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* a spoon with my coffee or tea
* unexpected visits
* singing
* hearing others sing
* my feline loves
* cuddling
* being wrapped in a down comforter
* licking the spoon after mixing cookie dough or cake batter
* when people make supershuttle reservations for me without my knowledge
* pizza. lots of it.
* mania (sometimes)
* vanilla soymilk
* tofu cheesecake
* vegan food
* trying new things
* Kurt Vonnegut
* indian food in Chung King Mansions
* Houhai & Hutong Pizza
* Lindeman's Peach beer
* Mississippi Muds
* Guinness (beer much?)
* Maui Brewing Co's coconut porter
* my best friend
* travel planning
* creating those travel memories
* shared beliefs (•
* appreciation
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| what a waste of a night... at least i got my work done.
my cousin wrote me a wise phrase that i need to remember:
crap people are full of crap, so stay away from them 'cause they stink.
yes.
the more i hang around the people i (foolishly?) love, the more sad i feel about people and want to hide away from the world.
i know i'll get through this crap feeling, but i hope i emerge a stronger person.
That which does not kill us makes us stronger. - Friedrich Nietzsche | | |
| due to recent "i can't find anyone who will listen and respond the way i desire" despair, i've decided to start this back up again. i may even begin to blog on my hidden xanga too, yikes. anyway... here goes.
though i've always suspected this, i now believe that i really do have control issues. uncertainty gives me anxiety, routine changes make my head spin, unpredictable occurrences trigger unfavorable behavior. damn, its pouring rain right now. and even though i know all this and know i need to find a way to deal with this issue and replace those problem behaviors with more appropriate ones (hello behavior analysis), i can't find the time (excuse?) and strength (more realistic) to work on these weaknesses.
sigh.
last night i circled several thoughts about how alone and trapped i've felt lately. i choose to not be a very social person even though i know i can be a great friend, confidant, companion, partyer, etc. i'm not even going to open that can of worms. anyway, i wish i had someone like me in my life, someone who would respond the way i want to and care about me the way i want to be cared. someone who will show me how much they appreciate me the way i show people i appreciate them. someone who will be supportive and never give up (max in united states of tara is a great example... of course he is fictitious) just like how i never give up.
i know there are people out there, the world is a gigantic place, but i don't want to go out there and find someone. i'd rather be alone than put the effort in and end up with handfuls of disappointing hopefuls. and that doesn't make me sad. it makes me feel more confident about myself because i know what i want and do not care what other people think of how i am and how i want to live my life.
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so that was one issue. the other one still lingers from last weekend; the feeling of pointlessness from work. its really eating me inside because while i feel its unfair that someone who goofs around at work gets the same promotion, at least i know that i've definitely brought more smiles to more guests faces than he ever has. i know that more people have walked out of the restaurant remembering me. and while the "more" part of all this doesn't matter, i'm proud to think of this because the main reason why i love this job is that i love making people happy. i love putting smiles on their faces and being able to touch people in a way they haven't experienced. ignore the sexual undertones to that last sentence. i mean, how often do you walk into a restaurant and tear because of a song someone sang to you at your table?
i wonder what its like on the guests side. i hope one day to experience this - dinner and a personal (preferably opera) song. last year smiley and i got a few ditties on the gondola at the venetian macau, but it wasn't really the same. the song went something like, i love to eat aunty pasto everyday, la, la.
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that's all i'll reveal for now. i have to tackle several hours of lecture tonight. ciao ciao...
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| an interesting weekend full of personal growth.
long story short, i went from feeling worthless and giving up at work then back to my usual hardworking self in two days. realizing that all my hard work doesn't pay off in the long run, i now appreciate that it pays off in moments. i let my guard down, and my pride was hurt from hearing what other people thought. after talking/crying it out, i've regained my personal pride and don't care if my efforts go unnoticed by others - at least i am proud of my hard work.
once again the sears jamba crew screwed up my order. this happens every 4/5 times i buy my jamba there. its gotten to the point where the crew and i can laugh about it when a new crew member hands me the wrong order, and i love that we can laugh about it. one of the workers there (nick) whipped up his own creation today and gave me a sample while i waited for my chunky pb&jamba to be remade. his smoothie tasted just like an apple pie! the next time he's there, i think i'll ask him to whip it up again. :)
whatelse, whatelse... this new bc gives me some intense menstrual cramps (i never had cramps with yasmin) but its a good trade off for clear skin. i think my body's hormones are finally balancing themselves out. OUCH pain pain.
okay, gonna relax and review some music for tomorrow's Cinderella rehearsal. hope i remember the music :P
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| i started off this morning waking up refreshed and ready to tackle the busy weekend.
today went thus:
6:30am wake, leave at 7:30am
stood in line for TB test read, done at 8:10am
8:30am-12noon ABA work
1pm- 4:30pm ABA work
5pm HOT costume fitting
6pm macgrill work til 10:30pm
tomorrow goes...
8:30-1pm ABA work
1:15-? ABA work
4:30pm-? macgrill work
after work watch lectures for online course
sunday is pretty chaotic too, but i haven't quite figured out how to fix that...
anyway, all i felt today was lots of love. i had a smile on my face pretty much the entire day, and if the smile wasn't on my face, it was definitely in my heart.
there were a few things that made me unsettled, but they didn't bother me nearly as much as they usually would have.
tonight a famous hawaiian entertainer asked me to sing for his guest tonight. his entire had me singing for them four times, i believe. i also sang for some other very appreciative tables.
as much as i don't like the way things go at work, i LOVE making people happy. whether it be from a cheesy comment about the food or plates or bringing out desserts or singing for them, i truly am happy when i see they are happy too. i guess i put up with the bullisht at work because regardless of the work drama i still enjoy working there because of the guests. making people happy rules.
i also restocked my fridge and freezer tonight - sweeeeet.
love life.
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Lifetime
washed all the towels and mats last night with a green kitchen mat. i'd forgotten that i hadn't washed the green mat before, so it tinted all the white bathroom towels and bathmat green.
good thing green is my favorite color.
new birth control has me on hormone overload, uncontrollably crying over the slightest mishaps, losing patience faster (not good since my amazing patience is the key to both jobs - working w/children with autism and food service), feeling really "blah" about life lately, not as energetic and full of life as usual
at least this "blah"-ness seems to suppress the occasional anxiety attacks i have. actually haven't had any anxiety attacks since the BC. sorta good since i have my final exam this week. usually i freak out and go nuts and cram like crazy, but am handling it pretty well this time around.