March 4, 2009

  • causality

    monday morning: swollen throat glands
    monday evening: scratchy throat
    tuesday morning: nasal congestion, burning throat
    tuesday afternoon: scratchy throat and sounding like a frog or a lifelong smoker

    sigh. third time i'm sick since 2009 began. i've noticed a pattern; i tend to get sick before something important, for example, a cold and strep before Manon opened, and this friday is the studio audition. last year i got bronchitis right before my first voice lesson, and i also caught it again right before the first studio meeting.

    this realization stirred up thoughts about the prominent role reciprocal causation plays in my life. my thoughts, actions, and environment are in a constant state of war.
    my immune system seems to be on a constant losing streak to mental stress and work environments. this is just one instance of how everything is an internal struggle.

    after receiving an email from an old friend last night (you're probably reading this, aren't you?), i realized a trend in the way i affect guys. apparently guys grow to feel very comfortable around me, and this comfort always leads to dormancy and negligence. of course experience urged me to adjust my guard and toughen my exterior, and i am less affected by the effects of comfort in my relationships, but i still feel unsettled when the people i care about stop showing me they care. i'm close to completely getting rid of the most extreme case i've experienced, yet another mild case began recently, and i find myself wondering what i need to change to stop this pattern in my life. a different one has also recently started up, and i'm enjoying where it's at right now yet wondering if really i'm enjoying it because i don't want it to head down that path of comfort destruction.

    this entry is all over the place; i can't really get all the thoughts in my head into one line of thought, but when i do it'll be less painful, i promise.
    a few rants before i head out:
    - i am not at anyone's beck and call and am not an accessory
    - people need to learn that their actions have consequences
    - hawaii should not be this cold in march
    - hawaii is definitely not for me
    - why isn't it socially accepted to decide to end your own life?

    ...please don't read that last rant incorrectly. while i'm struggling with life at the moment, i do enjoy being alive right now. i just wonder why its looked down upon to decide to end your life. is it because suicide is like a slap in God's face -- taking creation and destruction into human hands? similar to murder and such... hm... yeah, talk about random thoughts. i'm heading out now to drop way too much money on a new bag because the huge one i have at the moment just can't contain the chaos that my life has become. if you've never seen a woman's purse look like its about to vomit, come take a look at mine.

    last thought: life is a lot easier to deal with when i can look forward to rewards. one in march and one in april. how did i get so lucky? i bet the answer to march is reading this now :o )

Comments (4)

  • be well and best of luck with the studio audition.

    one foot in front of the other - through leaves, over bridges.

  • i would have to say that its this society and social norms and whatnot that have us look down upon choosing to end ones own life... im pretty sure there were some south american cultures that saw that as a great act of bravery and a courageous death... i think.   dont really remember where or which civilizatoins... but i recall hearing something like that.  shrugs! 

  • Looking forward to rewards keeps me alive, but in my case rewards are movies I want to see.  Last year I could have died happily after watching The Dark Knight.  But I didn't die, and now I have to live long enough to watch Transformers 2 and Terminator.  I'm sure there'll be something that pops up after that to keep me going, so I won't be shuffling off this world just yet.  Tron 2.  Right, have to stay alive long enough to see Tron 2.  Cripes that's a lot of living.

  • I think the whole self-induced death thing is frowned upon mostly because by social norms, everyone should be alive and happy. Eutopian thinking at its finest while not filtering through all of the circumstances that may mitigate the happy feelings that they would expect you to feel. That not withstanding, I see the kinds of stress it can put on the people who knew the person who did it and it's not pretty. When they're expecting it, I would assume it's not nearly as bad, but I digress.

    From the things you've been saying in your last few posts, Cat, it sounds like you need to be away from Hawaii again. Honestly, there's so little there to keep a creative, spontaneous mind busy that you end up with a doldrum of an existence. That's virtually what happened to me and I couldn't take it. I still look at coming to mainland America as the best move of my young adult life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

    You need to find your niche. Short and simple, that's all there is to it. The men produced by that niche will be the ones that identify with you and will likely keep your world interesting. I can say with certainty that the number one cause of breakups is people losing interest in each other because the two parties start to go docile. The times when "I don't feel like it" or "Not today" become a part of everyday verbal rhetoric are the times when boredom sets in and negligence begins.

    But then again, I could just be blowing smoke out of my ass and who would know the difference between that and my normal blabbering? :)

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