March 9, 2009

• burst

  my head feels like its about to burst - physically and mentally.
  the sinus pressure isn't helping, and neither is the feeling of not belonging anywhere right now.

  the past month and a bit have been extremely wearing on my entire well being. i've been bouncing between two places to sleep and shower, and i've never felt comfortable in either of these places for numerous reasons. though i'm used to moving from place to place every year or so, its different when i don't know where i'm going to end up at night on a daily basis. i dread the nights when the most appealing overnight option is my car. thankfully i haven't spent an entire darkness in my car, but its gotten pretty close. lately i've been choosing the "lesser of the two evils" to decide where to rest my body, and fighting illness hasn't made the process any easier.

  i wonder what future thoughts i'll have when i reflect upon february/march 2009. will i laugh, sob, become wound up inside, sigh, or feel relief that its over? its been a trying month, that's for sure. i've emerged with the realization that i'm hardier than i thought.

  on a side note, as independent as i think myself to be, i still have a tough time dealing with being an afterthought. as of late i've found myself being shelved and used only when there was nothing better to do. someone recently asked me how it felt to have several guys vying for my attention. i laughed at his absurdity. nobody is competing for me. one confuses his desperation with wanting 'cat time' and pushes me away when i open up somewhat, another likes to have me around whenever he has time, and the last is thankful when we do spend time together. none of these guys make any effort whatsoever for my so called attention. to clarify, that doesn't mean i want them to make effort; i would prefer if they made no effort at all than half assed effort that feeds tiny thoughts into my head. hey, realization -- last year around this time i was dealing with a similar "he's just not that into you" person. is this going to be a yearly thing? heaven forbid, i don't know if i have the tenacity to endure this annually. i have to think long and hard to remember what it felt like when someone was really into me, gosh, that was years ago. spring 2005? anyway. life would probably be a lot easier and muck-free without unsure, insecure males in my life.

  in other news, i'm moving back in with the 'rents. while i'm not looking forward to the uneasiness that comes with living at home, i fool myself into believing there is a positive note to this - saving money. obviously this doesn't matter to me, and i'd gladly shell out $900 monthly to have my own space, but its probably the best option at the moment. last year when i lived at home pre-exbf-living-in, i willingly worked nights just so i wouldn't have to stay at home. on my nights off, i'd hole up in some cafe until they closed and i was forced to return home. not looking forward to another year of this. hopefully i'll be out of here before then.

  as much as i want to leave this island right away, i am held back by obligations to which i've committed. UGH. no wonder i have a tough time with commitment its tough not being able to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it. all i can do now is stick it through and arm myself with the necessary knowledge and credentials to make my next move a stellar one. mental and emotional sacrifice now for a hopefully greater gain later. what? no more immediately rewarding lifestyle of move wherever and however i want? woe is me </sarcasm>

  can i do this? yes i can. but a little outside support would be nice.

  *deeeep breath*

  ...looking forward to some clarity in maui and manhattan...

  • 3:36 am
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