May 31, 2009

  • surrender

    the control freak in me had a moment of clarity tonight, and i thought i should document it via xanga for future reference.

    the more chaotic my life gets, the more i attempt to grab my life reigns and steer it in the right direction.
    however when i'm handling everything fine on the surface, i suffer internally and stress within at a level that others can sense.
    there was a point this afternoon where i told myself, "f*ck it." everything started heading in a ridiculous direction, and instead of making more effort to control the mess i chose to go along for the ride.
    best decision i made. at least for the moment.
    i know i'll just have to do more work later, but it was nice to desist for a night and enjoy doing responsibility-free physical labor all night long.

    some things that made me smile tonight:
         two people hunted me down in the restaurant to tip me for singing.
    the guy thanked me "so much" for singing happy birthday. the woman said, "you're the one who sang for us, right? here you go, you're such a hard worker."
    it was nice knowing that someone appreciated me for more than singing.
         while pre-bussing a table tonight, a woman said, "oh, i thought you were the girl who was singing."
    i replied with a smile, "i am the girl who was singing." she blushed.

    ---

    he bothers me. that's how i know i let him into my guarded self.
    this is why i hate truly caring about others. once i open my heart to them, they tend to keep stabbing my insides via my heart. but almost always, semi-quote, unintentionally. the real quote is, "i never meant to ____" also interchangeable with, "i didn't mean to ____."
    newsflash for the nth time -- it doesn't matter whether you meant it or not. the damage has already been done, i hurt, and you don't give a crap because all your retorts are regarding your non-intentions.

    everyday i am pushed slightly closer to not existing.
    i wish someone, something would be gracious enough to gift me with this one desire.

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