August 4, 2009

  • sigh...

    why does it hurt so much when someone cares about me less than i care about them?
    how can i care less about others and more about myself?
    is it even possible for me to do so? maybe i just have a big heart.
    i get upset at others for caring less when i really should be upset at myself for caring too much.
    ... sigh.
    funny how i can fool myself into thinking i don't care anymore, then out of nowhere i am reminded of those old feelings.
    how it hurts me so very much... i can barely survive the days.
    as overly dramatic as this may seem, i really feel this way, i feel as if i must force myself to care about something or i'll truly want to stop living.

    i'm struggling to avoid crumbling under the weight of the darkness, the heavy veil that i cannot lift
    my will to live through another night and day has diminished; barely have the strength to keep with responsibilities
    i wish for miraculous intervention, but i am sure the waiting list is lengthy

    question for you if you bothered to read down this far:
    what makes you want to wake up and live another day?

Comments (3)

  • Cats!

    hiyo lady! It's been a long long long time. I just wanted to send you my mana'o (ho kam school! haha). I know my life choices are not in any way like the ones you've made, but I was in a bad place for a long time so if I can shed some light into your life, I'll give it a shot! A few years ago, my bad choices in life really started to take a toll on my emotional state of mind...it was like I knew that what I was doing was not in my best interest but I didn't REALLY realize it. It took a very tragic car accident to open my eyes to the downward spiral that I put myself in and even after that accident I still "relapsed" into abusive thinking and actions. I don't quite know what changed me and opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, maybe it was just time and the continued persistance and faith I had in myself. Maybe it was meeting Eugene. Maybe it was just in God's time. Maybe it was everything, maybe it was nothing. All I know is that I kept telling myself that I deserved better and that I was worth more than what I subjected myself to. I made bad choices and suffered the consequential heartache, physical pain, professional failure, etc. but I didn't give up.

    I know we haven't technically been friends for years, but I do think about you and, honestly, I worry about you. You are so bright and have so much worth! A lot of things change about people over time, but I think the core of who that person is never does....and the Cats I knew back in the "Stage" days was an amazing girl worthy of only the best life has to offer. I can only imagine what kind of woman you have the potential of becomming (or already are!).

    Okay, that was a lot longer than I intended it to be. haha. I just want to say that I always looked up to you and Ash and Candace for your academic achievements and seeing that you guys felt I was worthy enough to be your friends really motivated me. I owe a lot to the friendship you offered me in the past.

    BE WHO YOU ARE AND SAY WHAT YOU FEEL BECAUSE THOSE WHO MIND DON'T MATTER AND THOSE WHO MATTER DON'T MIND.

    Don't waste your time with people who aren't willing to waste theirs on you.

    haha, I'm full of cliche motivational phrases ;)

  • To answer your question: not much. But I haven't stopped doing it for quite some time now, and don't have any serious plans on stopping, either. Still, when I do think about it on a honest-to-goodness kind of level, yeah... not much at all... and somehow I think there's gotta something else driving this, something I can't see, feel, nor logically explain. But it's gotta be there, because I'm still here. Lame excuse, but it works for me.

  • friends and family.

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