whyyyy why why why...
if i had to split my life into sections, it'd probably end up something like this (in no particular order):
- work
- relationships
- health
- family & friends
- hobbies <-- almost non-existent unfortunately
most of the time i concentrate on work to forget about/avoid relationships.
sometimes health will become more of a priority, and i also focus on this to forget about relationships.
i try to make time for my family & friends, but its hard when i concentrate so much on work.
hobbies... this is almost a joke category. i haven't ever taken up a hobby for an extended period of time. what's wrong with me?
maybe its the summer and all the changes its brought,
but i feel like my life for the past several months has whizzed by much too quickly for my enjoyment.
the summer has treated me gloriously and graciously,
but now that its over, i feel that i have nothing to show for it.
though work has been loads less stressful,
i've yet to kick myself in the bum and get a start on my certification.
not a long process; i've just once again succumbed to laziness.
oh, laziness... stop welcoming me with glasses of red wine and memory foam pillows.
the past week has thrown me a bone...
as much as i'd been ignoring the relationship part of my life,
i've had to come face to face with my issues in that department.
there is someone who is definitely not a good match for me, but i still care about this person a lot. beats me why i can't cut the cord; i get nothing out of this relationship.
then there is someone who i really started to like but have started to slowly take steps away from him as a precautionary measure. no more getting hurt!
also there is someone who will randomly check in on me, but i know he'll never be able to give me what i need, despite our lengthy, complicated history. maybe a good friendship?
and lastly there is someone who is giving me what i've wanted before but now no longer desire. are we victims of fate's cruel timing?
if someone had asked me one year ago what i wanted in a relationship, the answer would have been something like:
i want to wake up every morning beside someone who would enjoy a cup of coffee with me
we'd enjoy a leisurely breakfast together before parting ways for the day
on occasion we'd sneak some time and go slightly out of our way to share lunch together
on the few evenings we'd be able to share together, a bottle of wine, simple home made dinners, and fulfilling conversation would make the evening marvelous
we'd make plans to take trips together and actually live out the plans
and we'd truly enjoy the time we'd be able to spend together, no matter what it is we're doing.
*scoffs*
i can't believe i've changed so much.
it almost worries me, but not so, as i've come to enjoy my current life and independence.
the other part that worries me
is the fact that now there is someone who would fulfill all the previous desires i had a year ago
yet i find that i no longer want those things anymore.
now i ask myself, what do you want in a relationship, cat?
my first reaction is to avoid answering the question and pretend to ignore it...
my second grudgingly forced answer is:
i can't f*cking get myself to answer this!! 
i guess i can answer that with the question,
do you really want a relationship, cat?
do you want to risk getting hurt again?
do you want to resort back to the happy-go-lucky, passionate, loving, go-for-it gal
when being more closed, more private, and more reserved seems to be working?
working... working... what does that really mean?
i guess its working in the sense that i no longer feel upset if someone i want to see doesn't want to see me
i quite enjoy my "me" time...
blah, i'm not ready to face this yet.
so, as i've done in the past,
this issues will once again be put on the shelf for later discussion.
until then...
*locks key*
health... though my work stress level has gone down, i think the stress in other aspects of my life have gone up.
how to remedy this...
keeping busy has always worked, but now that i'm less busy,
my constant thoughts seem to plague me more often and bear down heavier.
tonight i heard, "turn that frown upside down!" and "you look so sad" and "that's the saddest face i've seen in a long time"
greaaaat. now i'm sucking at hiding my feelings.
guess i never was really good at that 
random patches of inflammation have appeared on my face
and though the dermatologist seems only interested in treating it,
others around me have commented that its probably stress related.
uuuuuugh.
constant fucking word, always in my damn life.
how the hell do i make it go away??
in other news... the gym has helped me put on a few extra pounds.
so screw all y'alls who are constantly telling me to put on weight.
i'll do it, and i'll have the guns to prove it 
family and friends...
my parents' 35th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few days.
35 freaking years. wow. kudos to them for putting up with the trials and tribulations life has given them over the past 35 years.
my family also got hit with pneumonia, nasty stuff i tells ya.
friends... i've kept in touch with the ones who mean something to me, and i constantly think about the ones i haven't gotten in touch with recently. shame on me.
hobbies...
august looks to be an interesting month...
lots of opera singing to be had. next week starts a rehearsal schedule for an opera workshop i'm doing.
super excited to start singing again.
i know there's some kind of talent within me,
and though i have no unrealistic dreams that i'm chasing,
i would love to develop my potential further and keep bringing smiles of bewilderment to my guests' faces.
and that's a wrap.
maybe next blog will reveal the answers to the issues i wasn't able to address in this one.
maybe.
)
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