... of reality.

tonight someone reiterated that i'm the youngest person they've dated in the context of...

me: "i'm the youngest person going on this tour" (to japan)
him: "you are the youngest person on my tour! hahahaha"

(realization: that laugh is one "ha" short of the laugh from someone in my past...)

my reply: "it'd be nice if you didn't have any other stops hey, a girl can wish..."
him: ---minutes of non-response---

well.
a girl can wish, but this girl also has just been slapped in the face by reality.
hey, reality, leave me the f*ck alone

it really sucks realizing that i may be, and more concretely am probably, just another stop on some guy's tour.
ouch.

OUCH!!!

sigh.
yet another reminder of why i remain on this earth.
answer to that question: "yes, cat, WHY are you still here???"

...

being alive is interesting.

we have total control of our beings, our bodies, our minds...
yet (with a few exceptions) our feelings are much harder to wrestle

we can change our bodies by altering calorie consumption and exhaustion
we can alter the color of our external body parts - hair, eyes, nails, lips, cheeks, skin
we can choose to make these changes, or we can choose to keep things the same

what lies at the core of the desire to change?
i've lost touch with it,
and i want it back.

in college change of location was a top priority of mine -
     it was flight after flight after flight during those years.
after college change of lifestyle was most important -
     i learned to do away with frivolity and enjoy a pared down, simpler life
returning to hawaii reinforced the lifestyle change and allowed me to make another change,
     change in health and body awareness.
     this is important to me because we have only vessel to last us through our years
     might as well take care of it, keep it healthy, well-oiled, well-nourished

and i think i'll keep focusing on this change
before i start the new one...
change in career.
this is freaking overwhelming for some reason,
and paired alongside the secrets that have consumed my life for the past year and a half,
i'm starting to freak out!
eek!

well, like most people do,
i'll turn a blind eye,
ignore the truth,
and hope it goes away
hah. we all know that's not who i am.
but i soooo wish i was able to ignore my issues like everyone else does quite well...
wish-granting genie, where are you?

just when i feel like i'm starting to gather myself together again,
Monday blows me back a few steps.

why does life test us this way? whyyyyyyy?

seriously, though. if someone can give me a solid, non-philosophical, satisfying answer,
i will award thee 2 eProps and one of those icon picture thingies.

i've been looking forward to today for a few weeks now...
*in deep, important sounding movie voice*
today is the day i transform my look!

so shallow, but i really feel like a complete redo of my outside image will help encourage me to get the inside moving as well.
whatever it takes, right? RIGHT???

in other news, i am pretty sad right now.
story to follow after i chop my hair off.

tonight's randomly chosen netflix film got me thinking...

Suburban Girl -- ala imdb.com: 

*thumbs up for the opening song being sara b.'s love song

in the movie, the older man completely falls for the younger woman.
how far from my life is this?? heh.
the last several guys i've been attracted to are 10+ years older than i,
and all of them were "just not that into" me.
all the while, handfuls of guys my age are making their timid efforts to spend time with me,
and i am "just not that into" them.

taking a step back from all this, i see:
i am not interested in these 20-somethings because they can't give me what i desire,
so does that mean the older men aren't interested in me because i can't give them what they desire?
or maybe they don't desire me at all... which is temporarily saddening but easy to get over after going through this several times...

my friends like to feed me excuses filled with false hope,
but the truth remains (and the movie tonight reaffirmed),
if you want something badly enough,
you will stop at nothing to get it.
if you give up trying,
then maybe you didn't want it that much in the first place.

and that's kind of where i'm at right now...
accepting the fact that maybe, in the age when everything is at our convenience,
we no longer want things badly enough to really go out and get them
since cheap substitutes and poor reasoning can fill the void quickly

i used to be such a passionate person, passionate about love, life, and all that falls under those...
getting burned too many times really has jaded me...
i want it back!
should i take baby steps, or should i just jump balls in like i used to live?

...is just a muscle, a physical mass of our beings,
yet it is so influenced by our minds and emotions
the experiences we take in with our beings - eyes, ears, tongues, noses, touch -
all affect how fast or slow it begins to pump

and when the emotional sadness becomes too much to bear,
the heart muscle becomes stressed
and feels like its being squeezed
or filled with lead and drops to rest on the diaphragm

funny how all that becomes connected
and reels us back into the circular motion of life.

luckily for me,
my heart has been light with happy thoughts and emotions in the last week
and
i am very thankful for that.

loving her life right now,
thehungrykitty