...helps me wake up at 6:45am.
i'm not quite sure why i tend to wake up at that time...
maybe its 'cause i'm used to getting up to move my car so my cousin can leave for work?

anyway...
i'm feeling recharged and refreshed today!
its a good feeling.
maybe purging all my bottled emotions into email was just what i needed.
order that, doctor!

in other news...
i have to reaaaally brush up on some music today!
singing at the haleiwaartsfestival tomorrow.
kind of a push to get me singing again.
hurr we go!

here's to a great saturday.
it won't be hard to top friday

i just sent off a blah email to someone whom i care deeply about...
awful grammar, i know
i blame it on the 16% wine

life is pretty weird and twisted right now...

SOS

someone, anyone?
show me some light?
a ray of hope would be nice
and i'd grab onto it with as much strength as i could garner....

some people say the rough times in life is what makes us stronger people,
but after all the shit i've been through,
i firmly stick to the belief that shit just brings us down...
its our own integrity and fire that keeps us hoping for better
and we can't rely on anyone but ourselves.

good night.

crap, its starting
stupid weepy hopeless empty feelings rising up again
where the hell is this all coming from!?!? GO AWAY!!!

as much as i try to stop it, i can't
uuuuuuuuugh
i think its coming from all the effing free time i have
i need to fill the voids
maybe a third job?

i hate this empty feeling
too many purposeless tears right now.
falling back into old habits...
ugh.

here's to a better tomorrow hopefully.

... quite happy being me right now

even though the past several weeks of pizza, beer, heavy food, and wine have given me a more rounded belly and behind,
i am still comfortable in my own skin.
now that i'm no longer working 14-15 hour work days and am going to the gym again and dining out more,
i'm feeling healthier in my mind and body and looking that way too.
life is grand

i'm also revved up again to get this certification on its way! also am seriously considering starting a master's program in fall 2011...
maybe concentrate on singing until then?

p.s. if anyone in hawaii is reading this, i'm singing at the haleiwa arts festival this sunday, july 18 sometime between 2-3pm with a few other HOT singers. come support!
also planning to participate in a summer workshop with a show at the end of august. again, come support!

time for a nap before meeting up with an old friend, then work, then enjoying La Boheme at dole w/a newer friend.

what was that i said earlier?
oh yeah,
life is grand

...one year ago i left on a journey that changed my life completely.

i learned how to put aside some life changing incidents and put a smile on my face.
i learned how to put aside matters of life for death.
i was able to charge forward and ignore the life altering abuse that happened
and i didn't let it bring me down for an entire week.
for the first time in my life,
i was able to put aside my emotions and plaster a smile on my face that served solely as a front.

since then, i've definitely become a stronger, hardier, more guarded, independent woman.

and though it blew chunks at the time,
i can only be thankful for those experiences for teaching me to stand on my two feet and take off running at full speed.

---
one of my good friends jordan was right --
-- i am smitten!
to be honest,
i would love to spend the rest of my life seeing this person everyday
waking up to seeing him asleep,
listening to his detailed stories,
seeing his youthful eyes burn into mine,
playfully joking around with his humor,
wrapping my arms around him for daily hugs,
spending time lying next to each other playing angry birds (haha... kidding... or am i? *dr evil mouth pinky*)
....
and to feel this way so soon after only a few months of hanging out,
i definitely can't express this all to him - in fear that i'll scare him away.
this torment inside eats me...
but as my philosophy on life is...

fermata all the way.
enjoy every second, milk every moment for what its worth.
don't let things pass you by because you never know when your last breath will take place.

i am falling for someone who is cautious about falling for someone...
what do i do?

the bottle is finished.
i am in like.
like a lot like.
but i still can't help wondering how one person can infiltrate my mind like this.
i'm cat, one woman wonder. do it all, done it all cat.
now sometimes i falter in my daily routine.
does being smitten do this to you??
i've forgotten 'coz its been so long...
but i kinda like it.

i am tipsy on jlohr cab sauv.... freaking best cheapo cabsauv!

well
i an't belive i'm writing this
but i am
in heart.
i haven't felt this way in years...
and its good to feel it again.
i'm not looking at th keeyboards
as i type this,
so we'll seee how this all thurns out, hahaha. extra h in there i bet.
anyway
in the past couple months, i've gotten closer to someone i neverthought i'd get close to
and now all i do is smile even through the shitty times,
ocoz i think of all the good times spent togeether.
wow
i' not even going to edit thisi, hahahah.
gnight folks

i think i may have joined the apple world again... i'm not sure 'coz this cabernet sauvignon is clouding my vision, but i think i might have just bought an ipod touch hahaha...

we'll see when i wake up tomorrow!

in other news,

i am in heart.

life is grand, and i can't stop thinking about a special someone.

part of me wonders if we'll ever be together, but another part tells me to forget it and accept reality for what it is.
if it was meant to be, it'll happen, right?

sigh.... )

in other news, bestbirthdayever!

i love how you make the day's stresses disappear

enjoying a cheap (free! heehee), delicious glass of pinot grigio at the moment.
2008 da vinci PG: as i read once on a description of pinot grigio, "innocuous and uninteresting"
the perfect ending to an overbearing day.

i guess i brought on the first stresses of the day myself...
7:30am step class this morning. after yesterday's turbo kickboxing (my first class!WHATUP!) class and work day and night, my body was definitely in dire need of a day of rest.
being the masochist that i am, i thought a 7:30am step class would be uplifting.
WRONG!
then i ran errands only to allow myself a 15 minute cat-nap before ABA...
urgh. bad. idea. for. the. lose.

ABA went well, but i was hurting. not to mention my body decided to use the a.m. to expel all the delicious, buttery goodness of the food from mondays' macgrill picnic. i whacked those pretzels big time, and i paid for it this morning
so i cut my ABA shift an hour short only to drive home in the rain and have my windshield wipers fail on me.
spent some time at home while my dad fixed the wipers and found that my carburetor is acting up! don't want it to run lean or run rich... dad is gonna see if he can source a new carburetor. *fingers crossed!*
mom also gave me a gift certificate to sansei; don't know if i can use it, but

--
starting off thursday with a smile on my face

anyway....
ahhhahaha i acn't think! this was going to be a blog about how shitty the night shift was, but i don't even care now
i could write a blog "waiter-rant" style about the canadians that stiffed me tonight and let me know at the beginning of the meal that they were from canada,
but i choose to focus on the good...
... my other tables loved my singing and tipped well.
i love singing for ppl face-to-face and knowing they appreciate it...
i would much rather do that for the rest of my life than sing for thousands who i can't see 'coz of blinding lights.
seeing tears, smiles, babies' entranced faces...
its more than i could ever ask for...

alrighty. going to bed happy now

in other news,
here are some toys i think are amarzing!

http://www.ehx.com/products/voice-box
i can't believe i'm drunk to the point where i couldn't totally code that, hahahaha.... oh geez, dorky humor...
click on the link and watch the youtube vid! so awesome!!!

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51-JbqwVhbL._SL500_AA300_.jpg
ugh, i give up coding, beh!
Korg MICROKORG 37 Key Synthesizer w/8 Band Vocoder Mic.... Fawsome!
isn't this cool!???!!??

iTouch! i am seriously considering getting one. now that i've found some apps i can use for my ABA job, WHATUP!!!
plus... scrabble? did they invent that just so i could kick some scrabblass?
oops, ego showing... time to put that away...

apologies.. i am tipsY!

also for any birthday viewers *cough, cough, parents who don't view my xanga,ahahahah... bad joketomyself?*

Netflix subscription would be a nice b-day gift!

this is such a weird blog
i am tipsy, apologies to whoever is currently reading this.

i can't believe i'm going to be 26.
26 is way too low a number for the way i feel.
i just had an almost-40-year-old recently brush me off because i "have so much ahead of me"
UGH!
whatever...

i can't believe someone told me that i'm too young, that they couldn't take interest in me because i seem like i had my entire life ahead of me...
OUCH...
i've traveled, lived and dealt with so many excruciating life experiences,
experienced life from one end of a spectrum to the other,
...
to hear that just crushed me. ah, minor.
yet he really helped me redefine my priorities and help me realize more-so what i want...
did i just hyphenate more-so?! hahahaa.... oh gosh.

anyway, enough drunk blogging.
this is the eeeend, this is the eeend, this is the end, my friend.
<3

...i'm a little drunk, and i need you now...
-Lady Antebellum
---
i AM a little drunk, but it's only a quarter after midnight

what the hell... drunk blogging, FTW.

how did i go from guarded, jaded, stone cold cat to melting kitty?

what is going on here? i can't understand it, but to be honest, i don't want to...

big ups to ming for posting that song on gchat...
p.s. ming, i miss you like a sister

okay, here goes the verbal vomit:

after the isht i dealt with one full year ago, i honestly thought i'd locked up all my emotions, become a jaded, guarded tigress...
then one day, i looked into someone's eyes, felt something i hadn't felt in an entire year
and it stirred something inside
i couldn't place it, and it unnerved me in the most uncomfortable way possible
the stone i'd placed over my heart to protect it budged slightly
and several weeks later, that stone's slowly moving...
wtf jesus, leave the stone there!

all these feelings that stir up in me when i look into his eyes and listen to his stories,
they leave me feeling exposed, vulnerable
i'm scared, confused, yet excited and love the way everything disappears, the world melts away when i spend time with him...

what the hell is going on?
sigh... as uncomfortable as it makes me feel, i've realized i kinda miss this giddy feeling

good night, world.