just wanted to jot down some thoughts...

now that i owe uncle sam over $10K in taxes, i'm realizing how difficult being self-employed is. i have to scrutinize my finances in order to make sure i have enough to pay taxes, then enough to pay rent and bills. basically i end up with almost nothing every month, and this isn't how i want to live my life at age 25.

because of this, my food intake has significantly decrease partially because i don't have money to spend on food anymore and also because i'm too bummed out to eat. hooray for belts.

i opened up a new checking account this morning in efforts to get my finances under control. i'm not going to let myself fall into debt.

the financially wiser thing to do would be to move back home and be rent free, but my brother, his wife, and their two daughters are moving back into my parents' house. also, i enjoy the independence and freedom living alone offers. no obligations to anyone but myself. and since the majority of my week is spent being of service in both jobs, the few free hours i have to myself in my apartment are precious.

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after work, i finally got rid of the spyware that plagued my parents' computer. got a few bites of food in there too - score! couldn't eat dinner, they dined on chicken tonight.

then i finished my laundry, set out my outfits for the photo shoot tomorrow, folded up the laundry that's been sitting in the basket for several weeks, and helped jordan pick out colors for a sweatshirt.

its the little things like this that help me feel less downhearted about the coming day.

makes a happy cat.

yesterday was a very productive day. washed a load of laundry and the dishes, fixed up a cover letter and spruced up my resume, tidied up apartment, clocked in six hours of work, sold a couch, resolved an argument, watched a movie (Shutter Island.. mediocre.)

i need more days like yesterday.

no, i'm not going to italy,
but i am writing a "Hello!" to a fresh breath of life!

this is the first positive-vibe-filled blog i've written in a while, and boy, does it feel good to stretch my arms out and hug life!
gosh, this is becoming so corny, i apologize in advance

my day went thus:
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started off the morning with a cathartic email, followed by a much needed realization-filled confrontation with the bestie.
next i completed some household duties - dishes and laundry always make me feel better.
we tackled the burnt pot nature style - boiling water and baking soda work magic together on scorched pots!
then took a short walk over to makiki inn to pick up some breakfast.
upon returning home, i whipped up my own version of "Eggs for Daphne", sliced an apple banana, and prepared Espresso Roast coffee in the french press.
finished watching "The Pianist" - what an amazing, eye opening memoir based movie.
spent some time together, yet it just wasn't the same; something was different.
     *ever hung out with someone you used to have blasts with, but things changed and the time you spent together just isn't as enjoyable as before?
       those are rough times, but at least now i know that things will be different from now on.
three hours of rewarding autism behavioral therapy work, then headed downtown and got two student tickets to the Opera Rocks! benefit concert.
while waiting for my voice teacher, i enjoyed a glass (and the rest of the bottle! yeah sitting at the bar) of Elk Cove pinot gris along with a vanilla creme brulee (not outstanding, mediocre, Kincaid's is still #1) and a chai flan topped with oranges (delish!) at Brasserie Du Vin.
enjoyed a unique, delightful mixed genre concert with jackie and caught a glimpse of the different types relationships that are formed in the opera world.
got to chat post-show with dean who always makes me smile.
came home to an email from a friend i hold dear which held a touching message from the mother of our late friend. smiles and happy tears.

and here i am now.

i wear a ring that reads:
"love the life you live; live the life you love"
to remind myself that i should appreciate everything in my life but still strive for the life i want to live.
my taxes this year were a huge wake up call, and its just what i needed to shake me out of the fog.
back to reality, and already the smiles from today have uplifted my spirits 200%.

buon giorno, life

just like you said it would be
life isn't easy on me
most of the time

and so it is,
the shorter story
no love, no glory
no hero in her skies

...
as independent as i am,
sometimes i find myself wishing for
the hero in my skies....

i'm having a really hard time right now
all i want to do is disappear
permanently
this is not a cry for help
as i do not want to be helped
i just want all of this to go away.

all i'm holding on to is a thin string of hope
i cling to one end, and the other end is not in sight
hold on, cat.

the underside of the bottle cap to my Kona Brewing Co. Pipeline Porter reads:
LOLO - Crazy
a crazy night indeed.

restaurant serving is second most ridiculous job i've ever held. second only to the scandal i helped run in shanghai (kidding, kidding... er...)
i can't fathom how people spend years of their lives as a waitress or waiter.
the patience one needs when dealing with all walks of life measures above the patience i use while working with children with autism.
sometimes serving bitchy/greedy/blatantly cheap people really makes me feel like a slave. an americanized italian food and bevande slave.

tonight i had a table who left a $10 voucher from another restaurant after using a free appetizer coupon and (i'm almost sure of it) lying about a birthday to get a free cake.
my manager and i ran out the door to see if they were still around, and a slightly intoxicated male from the table asked if i was looking for them. the crazed, alarmed looks on our faces must have given it away.
i politely explained that we couldn't accept another restaurants voucher, and he gave me $10 cash in return. then he asked me to run their $30 worth of gift vouchers and $50+ of gift cards through to make sure they left me at least 20%.
i thought that was nice of him to let me know, so i made sure all was well and assured him that they were leaving me 20%.
a good while later, a woman from his table told me that she had left the $10 gift voucher by accident and was clearly upset that her husband/boyfriend had given me $10 extra because they meant to give me a 20% tip without that mistaken $10 voucher. i showed her that yes, with the $10 included they had left me 20% on the subtotal.
she said they meant to leave me 20% on the discounted subtotal.
i asked her if she wanted her (precious) $10 back and told her it was not a problem.
clearly upset and embarrassed, she denied it and stomped off.
cheeky woman!

TIP of the night:
if you dine out and get something for free via coupons or voucher AND/OR use a gift card to pay,
please tip out on the subtotal AKA the total before all your food/drink was taken off your bill.
you still received the same service and food/drink, you just got a deal because someone else (either the restaurant or your gift card giver) paid for part of your meal.
remember, just because you got it free doesn't mean it didn't exist

love, your slightly miffed server, cat.
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in other news,
i am UP TO HERE (oh, do i wish you could see my body motions) with singing for people!!!  extra exclamation marks for emphasis !!!!!!!
singing for others puts me "in the weeds", especially when all my tables are packed to the brink.
singing for my own tables/in my section isn't so bad, 'coz at least my tables know that i'm not at their service 'coz i'm singing for people for an extra $1 an hour
last night i sold $300 less than i sold tonight, and i walked out with the same amount of tips both nights.
what does that tell me?
being crazy busy means worse service   ///  having more time means better service.
and all i really want to do is keep people happy.
is that too much to ask?
really?
sigh...
---
in other OTHER news,
my body has almost gotten rid of the flu. all that remains is some nasal drippage that ends up going down the back of my throat -- ICK.
today i had a blast at peewee football. sometimes being around those kids (same kids from tee-ball and soccer) makes me want to have kids of my own.
then i think about pregnancy discomfort and childbirth agony. and the limited freedom children bring. and the constant behavioral therapy i'll have to apply to my own kids.
and i think,
is it time i allow myself to be happy?
should i stop masquerading behind work/illness and let myself enjoy the company of someone who sees eye to eye with me?
i must admit, i still think i don't deserve to be happy, that its more satisfying to suffer while making others happy.
but where does that leave me?

i want to get away, i want to clear my mind without alcohol every night.
never before have things been this bad.... the sadness and guilt i feel weighs me down with every step i take and every fake smile i force upon my face.
i try to tell myself, "cat, you deserve true happiness"
but the little voice i can't rid of still shouts in opposition.

i am strong on the outside, but weak as a twig in blustery winds on the inside.
i snap in the slightest breeze and allow myself to be blown into nothingness.
will i ever gather the strength to permit true happiness, true satisfaction?
he's at my fingertips, he's just a long drive away...
i believe he's the greatest thing to happen to me, but i still cower in fear.
i fear being happy.

help me, someone. please.

a recap of 2009 - a recent theme of my xanga subscriptions.
as much as i would love to relive the past year, i can't publicly do it.
2009 was filled with loads of secrecy. much more than i would have liked.
holding everything inside and telling a select few about the craziness that ensued caused me to suffer through the year, but i learned the value of privacy.
i learned that i am capable to keep things to myself and deal with issues without crying out to the world for help.
while i haven't subscribed to that method of coping, i now personally understand the many reasons why others choose to deal with issues that way.
thus i have a better understanding of people in general, adding to my patience and tolerance.
 
i realized its unhealthy to keep negative people in our lives, and that we are much better off surrounding ourselves with those we love.
i also learned how difficult it can be to cut out the negativity, but that its okay to grieve and bleed the emotion out while doing so.

as with everything in life, i do not regret anything that happened in the past year.
every experience, whether good or bad, offers a lesson to help our personal growth.
whether we choose to find those lessons and apply it to our lives is our decision.
i had some amazing times with some amazing people, and i will always cherish those memories.

though the calendar year is just a meaningless marker, it helps me to close the most recent chapter of my life and look forward to good things in the upcoming year.

2009 also showed me that good things arise when we least expect them. i ended the year in a state of despair, and now i begin the next with a big breath and some hope for my own future.
加油!

what a waste of a night... at least i got my work done.
my cousin wrote me a wise phrase that i need to remember:
crap people are full of crap, so stay away from them 'cause they stink.
yes.

the more i hang around the people i (foolishly?) love, the more sad i feel about people and want to hide away from the world.

i know i'll get through this crap feeling, but i hope i emerge a stronger person.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. - Friedrich Nietzsche

due to recent "i can't find anyone who will listen and respond the way i desire" despair, i've decided to start this back up again. i may even begin to blog on my hidden xanga too, yikes. anyway... here goes.

though i've always suspected this, i now believe that i really do have control issues. uncertainty gives me anxiety, routine changes make my head spin, unpredictable occurrences trigger unfavorable behavior. damn, its pouring rain right now. and even though i know all this and know i need to find a way to deal with this issue and replace those problem behaviors with more appropriate ones (hello behavior analysis), i can't find the time (excuse?) and strength (more realistic) to work on these weaknesses.

sigh.

last night i circled several thoughts about how alone and trapped i've felt lately. i choose to not be a very social person even though i know i can be a great friend, confidant, companion, partyer, etc. i'm not even going to open that can of worms. anyway, i wish i had someone like me in my life, someone who would respond the way i want to and care about me the way i want to be cared. someone who will show me how much they appreciate me the way i show people i appreciate them. someone who will be supportive and never give up (max in united states of tara is a great example... of course he is fictitious) just like how i never give up.

i know there are people out there, the world is a gigantic place, but i don't want to go out there and find someone. i'd rather be alone than put the effort in and end up with handfuls of disappointing hopefuls. and that doesn't make me sad. it makes me feel more confident about myself because i know what i want and do not care what other people think of how i am and how i want to live my life.
---

so that was one issue. the other one still lingers from last weekend; the feeling of pointlessness from work. its really eating me inside because while i feel its unfair that someone who goofs around at work gets the same promotion, at least i know that i've definitely brought more smiles to more guests faces than he ever has. i know that more people have walked out of the restaurant remembering me. and while the "more" part of all this doesn't matter, i'm proud to think of this because the main reason why i love this job is that i love making people happy. i love putting smiles on their faces and being able to touch people in a way they haven't experienced. ignore the sexual undertones to that last sentence. i mean, how often do you walk into a restaurant and tear because of a song someone sang to you at your table?

i wonder what its like on the guests side. i hope one day to experience this - dinner and a personal (preferably opera) song. last year smiley and i got a few ditties on the gondola at the venetian macau, but it wasn't really the same. the song went something like, i love to eat aunty pasto everyday, la, la.
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that's all i'll reveal for now. i have to tackle several hours of lecture tonight. ciao ciao...

an interesting weekend full of personal growth.
long story short, i went from feeling worthless and giving up at work then back to my usual hardworking self in two days. realizing that all my hard work doesn't pay off in the long run, i now appreciate that it pays off in moments. i let my guard down, and my pride was hurt from hearing what other people thought. after talking/crying it out, i've regained my personal pride and don't care if my efforts go unnoticed by others - at least i am proud of my hard work.

once again the sears jamba crew screwed up my order. this happens every 4/5 times i buy my jamba there. its gotten to the point where the crew and i can laugh about it when a new crew member hands me the wrong order, and i love that we can laugh about it. one of the workers there (nick) whipped up his own creation today and gave me a sample while i waited for my chunky pb&jamba to be remade. his smoothie tasted just like an apple pie! the next time he's there, i think i'll ask him to whip it up again.

whatelse, whatelse... this new bc gives me some intense menstrual cramps (i never had cramps with yasmin) but its a good trade off for clear skin. i think my body's hormones are finally balancing themselves out. OUCH pain pain.

okay, gonna relax and review some music for tomorrow's Cinderella rehearsal. hope i remember the music