i started off this morning waking up refreshed and ready to tackle the busy weekend.
today went thus:
6:30am wake, leave at 7:30am
stood in line for TB test read, done at 8:10am
8:30am-12noon ABA work
1pm- 4:30pm ABA work
5pm HOT costume fitting
6pm macgrill work til 10:30pm

tomorrow goes...
8:30-1pm ABA work
1:15-? ABA work
4:30pm-? macgrill work
after work watch lectures for online course

sunday is pretty chaotic too, but i haven't quite figured out how to fix that...

anyway, all i felt today was lots of love. i had a smile on my face pretty much the entire day, and if the smile wasn't on my face, it was definitely in my heart.
there were a few things that made me unsettled, but they didn't bother me nearly as much as they usually would have.
tonight a famous hawaiian entertainer asked me to sing for his guest tonight. his entire had me singing for them four times, i believe. i also sang for some other very appreciative tables.
as much as i don't like the way things go at work, i LOVE making people happy. whether it be from a cheesy comment about the food or plates or bringing out desserts or singing for them, i truly am happy when i see they are happy too. i guess i put up with the bullisht at work because regardless of the work drama i still enjoy working there because of the guests. making people happy rules.

i also restocked my fridge and freezer tonight - sweeeeet.

love life.

gotta blog out these thoughts to clear my mind so i can cram as much Behavioral Assessment and Functional Analysis knowledge as i can:

  washed all the towels and mats last night with a green kitchen mat. i'd forgotten that i hadn't washed the green mat before, so it tinted all the white bathroom towels and bathmat green.
  good thing green is my favorite color.
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  new birth control has me on hormone overload, uncontrollably crying over the slightest mishaps, losing patience faster (not good since my amazing patience is the key to both jobs - working w/children with autism and food service), feeling really "blah" about life lately, not as energetic and full of life as usual
  at least this "blah"-ness seems to suppress the occasional anxiety attacks i have. actually haven't had any anxiety attacks since the BC. sorta good since i have my final exam this week. usually i freak out and go nuts and cram like crazy, but am handling it pretty well this time around.
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zat eez all for now. wish me luck.... long week ahead.

wow, talk about feeling like poo this morning! my body is so tired, my mind's dragging, and i'm warming up for a vocal coaching soon...
today's gonna be a long day - vocal coaching from 11-12, then ABA work from 1-5, then macgrill at 6... sigh.

last night reminded me why i like working at mac grill.
first we cut the grumpy butt expo soon after i walked in, so that lightened up the mood loads. zack was back on the line all night, and he's just a pleasant person to have back there - doesn't get stressed out. life's more enjoyable around pleasant people.
i sang a bunch last night too and spoke to a few tables. a guy complimented my ugly tie while i dropped food off at the table next to him. i thanked him while thinking to myself, "this tie is awful!"

i kept myself going by singing all night too - in one of the songs we're singing for Cinderella, i sing:

Cinderella, come to me, Cinderella, come to me,
Cinderella, over here, Cinderella over there,
Cinderella, fix my hair, bring a ribbon for my hair!
Cinderella, bring me this, Cinderella, bring me that!
All the time they keep me busy, always at their beck and call!

that's exactly how i felt last night -
can you sing happy birthday for me,
can i have more bread,
can we get more plates,
can we get cracked pepper on everything we order,
can i have more cheese,
can i get a water refill,
can you get my guinness.

blech... maybe if i wasn't constantly running food out and had more time i wouldn't get so bothered by all the guests and server's constant requests.

and since this is going in the 'rant blog' direction, i need to get this out even though i already snapped at a few of the servers already, haha...
if you want me to sing happy birthday for you so you can get a better tip, you better help run out food or bus a table!
while i spend time making your table happy, there is food i'm supposed to run just sitting on the line and tables that i should be clearing.
anyway, </rant>

time to shower, eat, admire the washed dishes, and head out for the long haul that will forever be known as September 30, 2009.

i haven't had one of these in a while, one so bad that it brings me to the verge of tears then pushes me over the edge. out spill the tears.

after about an hour, i finally found the positive in the negative. all night i was told "why are you <doing this or that>?" after the third person, i started to get really down.
i'm sure everyone had good meaning behind their "bad" comments. well, i'm not sure, but i'd like to think that behind their words lay a "cat is good a some things. she deserves better" thought.
instead what i heard kept eating at my pride and wearing me down. i began to ask myself, "why am i still at this crappy low hourly wage tip job? why aren't i doing anything more with my singing? do i really deserve better and should be doing better things like everyone's telling me?"

and that's why i had to dig real deep through the bullisht and find those little nuggets of hope.

macgrill, though 75% of the time unenjoyable, is my health insurance source. the hours i spend clearing people's dirty dishes helps shed medical financial responsibility.
most nights i get to sing and make people smile, hold hands, or stare in awe of how a big (untrained) sound comes out of someone so small.
this makes me happy, so the transitive property tells me that i am happy to work at mac grill.
(that was a really off joke, please don't think i was serious, its not transitive by any means )

anyway... sigh. as i type this, another macgrill idiot just rubs the depressing isht in my face via facebook.
i wish i could tell everyone at work "SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

oh well... thursday is a new day.
i am appreciative of the people who bring smiles to my face.
good night.

senseless blog to quiet the brain so i can sleep:

i miss shanghai. i miss the early morning bicycle rides, zipping through the dusty street lanes and past high-rise construction sites, dodging gas and electric mopeds and old men pulling their metal carts filled with sky high piled recyclables. i miss stopping at fruit stands and buying inexpensive fresh fruit any day of the year. safeway sells grapes for $5.99/lb when they're not in season - unheard of on the SH streets. maybe at an expat grocery store, yes, the ones which introduced us to 'foreign' foods from countries all over the world.

i miss my life there... monday through friday, 9am to 6pm but sometimes 7 or 10pm if i had a presentation to do at a university. i miss the hassle of figuring out how to get back home - cab? subway? bus? saturdays and sundays were free to explore new areas, new restaurants, and new illegal dvd (9s, hehe.) i miss going grocery shopping in the mornings on saturdays to cook meals that weekend, then deciding on eating out instead because of laziness. i miss having all that free time and not feeling pressured to do anything with it.

i miss waking up to kitties snuggled against my belly and hearing them scamper through the apartment. i miss hearing the clangclanging of their metal food bowls toppled as they raced through the living room. i miss morse's silly shenanigans - jumping up to open the kitchen door, running through tea candles spraying hot wax everywhere, getting himself stuck up in the ceiling. i miss boots' queenie air. i miss blackie's innocence and wish i could have taken out his eye when i was there. i miss raising lukie and him always jumping into my lap.

i miss the randomness shanghai offered - coming home from chinese new year in india to hear that aerial fireworks shattered our balcony window, the cold/hot showers of the faulty water heater, falling in the gap between the subway platform and car, the crazy lady umbrella incident, finding baby lukie as he was being kicked onto the road

in shanghai the anonymity was intoxicating. i wasn't subject to anyone's expectations, felt no pressures, and was able to drink in living day by day.
i really, really, really do miss my life there.
sigh... soon, hopefully.

two nights ago i picked up tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom again. i opened up to the page i'd dog-eared several months ago and within the first few lines lay this:
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"Wherever I went in my life, I met people wanting to gobble up something new. Gobble up a new car. Gobble up a new piece of property. Gobble up thhe latest toy. And then they wanted to tell you abut it. 'Guess what I got? Guess what I got?'

"You know how I always interpreted that? These were people so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes. They were embracing material things and expecting a sort of hug back. But it never works. You can't substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship.

"Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness. I can tell you, as I'm sitting here dying, when you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you're looking for, no matter how much of them you have."
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i personally find a lot of truth in that. i've never wanted the latest cell phone or iPod or car, and i have a hard time keeping up with the trends because i don't care enough about them. instead i usually put my efforts into the people i love. those who know me well know that i'm satisfied with my paycheck-to-paycheck life, and that i usually spend my money helping friends or enjoying pricey meals (i love me a good two hour session of palate joy.)

basically cat + materialism = oil + water.

however lately i've found myself thinking about the Nissan cube. i want to add that when i first saw the commercial for it, i thought it was a toy car. then i saw it in person, took it for a spin, and i haven't stopped thinking about it since.

at first i thought, "wow, this is huge! i want something new and materialistic? i want to invest in something tangible and semi-commit to it?!"

then after reading Morrie's words, i realized that maybe my desire for the cube developed because i haven't had love (for others) in my life recently. a difficult personal choice i made for the better - life has been a lot more enjoyable since i've slowed loving others and started really loving myself.
maybe i subconsciously tried to fill that love-void by gobbling up a new car.
was i reaching out for a love substitute?
does that mean the love i have for myself doesn't suffice?
that saddens me, but i'm glad i caught myself before i fell into a $19K trap.
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in other news, life has been pretty enjoyable.
i still wish i was in Shanghai with my feline babies. i miss weekend mornings with my kitties curled up in my lap and holding a cup of jasmine tea.
soon, soon. i'm working towards my goal of being there by next summer. maybe even by my 26th? hmm...

here's to an aloha friday! i'm going to make it a good one.

i love my current state.

i am:
* satisfied with a 90 on the unit 3 exam (what? me satisfied with a cat-subpar grade? oh em gee!)
* craving free
* getting over a minor cold and regaining health
* happy to be in touch with those i was once close to in my recent life
* free of financial anxiety
* content with the way i handled a potentially aggravating situation tonight
* balanced with work and life
* not worrying about anything at the moment and loving it
* feeling worthy, important, and confident
* completely at peace with my life at the moment

i know i am talented and have worth.
i know i have the potential to be successful and feel powerful from resisting the pressures of others to do more.
i love living my life by my desires and not letting others wants and wishes influence my decisions.
i enjoy making people smile through my voice or through good service.
i appreciate all the trials i've experienced and appreciate the way they've shaped who i am today.
i never wish to take things back, to have experienced anything different, and i never regret.
i never used to use "i" in sentences or refer to myself due to low self-esteem, but i've come a long way in overcoming that hurdle.

i love myself, and i hope this lasts for a long time.

...or mild attention deficit disorder?  i'm watching my online lectures but can't sit through it without letting my mind stray. here goes me ramblings:

i don't like
- when people say "what happened was..."
- poor grammar both spoken and written
- customer service people with poor attitude
- low work ethic
- when something disrupts my daily and weekly routine
- forced socialization
- chocolate... though i did have a craving for it last week, strange

i enjoy
- talks with people who can relate
- stability, though rarely achieved
- learning new anything and working hard to kick ass at all new learned things
- witty conversation
- keeping busy (probably to avoid focusing on what i'm going to do with my life)
- 12 oz chunky PB & Jamba, light strawberries, sub blueberries, add energy boost... i spend too much monthly at jamba juice
- three or more course meals at my favorite restaurants paired with awesome conversation
- Kincaid's burnt cremes and Ruth's Chris' and Sansei's apple tarts
- vanilla chai tea with a Tbsp of sweetened condensed milk in the mornings

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working with children with autism has caused me to reflect on my life more. one thing i've thought about was the importance routine holds in our lives. established routine is both good and bad - it gives order and structure to our lives and assists with managing anxiety, but sometimes routines can become ritualistic and may get in the way of living a functional life. i could go on and on about this, maybe in another blog.

i've thought about some of the rituals and routines that i have. those include:
- daily single serving of high protein cereal with soymilk and a scoop of ground flaxseed (it was a huge upset for me when i had to switch from Special K protein plus to Kashi... )
- cup of chai/black tea with sweetened condensed milk in the a.m.
- almost daily consumption of that jamba meal listed above -- i get upset when they screw up the order and it tastes off
- at least one serving of fresh fruit daily. in Shanghai i was obsessive about apples. lately its been papaya (our tree won't stop producing!), grapes and cherries when on sale.
- eating a garden salad, dry, no olives before working at macgrill
- rolling my car windows 3/4 way down for a few minutes then rolling them up with a crack open when i drive
- working friday and saturday nights and sunday mornings

i'm thinking about adding more into my daily/weekly routine, such as step class and going to the gym more. i used to be a fanatic until... hm, i guess until i moved in with the exbf and we stopped going, sad.

anyway, those are some of the things i do that keep me from going batty. i used to get quite upset if some extraneous variable intervened with my routines and rituals, but i've gotten better at handling those situations.

what are some of the routines and rituals you have?

Don't waste your time with people who aren't willing to waste theirs on you.  <-- something i need to repeat every morning when i wake up

i read yesterday that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit. i'm not sure if i'm strong enough to do this yet, but if i can, i'll be pretty damn proud of myself.
there's so many bad habits i want to break, i'm not sure where to start... i guess with the one that has made me feel so worthless and upset and bothered in the past several months.

it's just hard to shake the thought that its so much easier to dispose of myself than rid of someone else...
hang in there, self. you can't let how one person mistreats you affect you so much that you forget how much you mean to others...
but is life really worth living? what if i don't want to be alive? i never asked for the chance to be in this world.
if there was a way to give the rest of my days to a dying person who really wants to live a longer life, i would immediately do so.

jordan and rona may be right... maybe i haven't found the right person yet, and maybe i should clear out the wrong ones.

its time for some major life cleaning. wish i could go in with guns blazing, but i don't even have the desire anymore...

word of the day: hebetude. seriously? does dictionary.com read minds?

thank you, jordan, for brightening up my morning.