why does it hurt so much when someone cares about me less than i care about them?
how can i care less about others and more about myself?
is it even possible for me to do so? maybe i just have a big heart.
i get upset at others for caring less when i really should be upset at myself for caring too much.
... sigh.
funny how i can fool myself into thinking i don't care anymore, then out of nowhere i am reminded of those old feelings.
how it hurts me so very much... i can barely survive the days.
as overly dramatic as this may seem, i really feel this way, i feel as if i must force myself to care about something or i'll truly want to stop living.

i'm struggling to avoid crumbling under the weight of the darkness, the heavy veil that i cannot lift
my will to live through another night and day has diminished; barely have the strength to keep with responsibilities
i wish for miraculous intervention, but i am sure the waiting list is lengthy

question for you if you bothered to read down this far:
what makes you want to wake up and live another day?

 ... since my dinner partner is napping.

after surviving one of the most hectic months of my recent life, i'm definitely glad to see august around the bend.
i'm starting to fall back into the "need to disappear, get away, start anew" funk again. for those of you who've known me for the past several years, that funk has taken me to new zealand, hong kong, and shanghai. i've had mini-trips recently to some big cities and foreign countries in attempt to fill that void, but its just not the same. i can't find the same relief in 3-7 days that i get from truly going away for months/years.
however i feel differently now; i am washed in guilt and self-pity as i remember that i can't simply pick up and leave like i've done in my younger years. hah, "younger years", like i'm old or something...
sometimes i think, did i make a poor decision by staying in hawaii and growing roots here?

sigh... i'll finish this blog later. my dining partner has called, and i have a feeling that if i decide to spill this all verbally tonight, he'll meet me with an unconcerned ear. i know him well enough to understand that he's silent because he doesn't know how to express his thoughts and emotions through words, but then once again question why i ever bother speaking to him.

here goes... blog ya later.

i have never felt so trapped and scared than i do at this very moment.

in a few days, i'm going to do something i have never done before.
while its definitely a step out of my comfort zone, i feel no hesitation.
i've weighed the pros and cons, contemplated the benefits and negative aspects...
at last i've decided to go with the flow. whatever happens from here on out is just going to happen.

we all need a little love in our lives, but its not worth it when it goes over the edge.

i've never wanted so much to be loveless.

though i'm currently studying for a unit test, i needed to blog and get this off my mind.

i've come to realize that i feel overwhelmed when people start expecting things from me.
since i've been back in hawaii, i've been expected to study law, pursue singing, obtain ABA certificate, BE SUCCESSFUL...

ugh.

all i want to do is do whatever i need to do to let the days pass by and enjoy life. is that too much to ask?

<rant>
     so what if i graduated from USC? that doesn't mean i have to work in some corporate office and be a number, it doesn't mean i should have a master's degree by now. it doesn't mean anything other than i've received higher education at a pretty awesome university.
     so what if i'm overqualified to be bussing tables? i enjoy doing things to make people happy on a one-to-one level, and if i can find that pleasure in taking their dirty plates away and making them smile with a song during their meal, let me do it.
     so what if i mostly keep my singing confined to the restaurant? who are you to tell me that i should be taking it somewhere, that i should be making it big, etc.? you don't quite touch people the same way when you sing for a crowd and are managed, are a production rather than an artist.
     so what if i could be "doing more" with my life? yeah, i could be, everyone could be, but i just want to be happy doing what i do. where the hell do all these expectations for success come from anyway? am i walking around with a "i will be successful" sign on that i can't see?
     and who said living your life and loving it wasn't successful? not me, that's for sure. i think being content and milking every day of what its worth in this busy world is a success in itself.
</rant>

life was best when i lived in Shanghai. monday through friday work, weekday nights and weekends free to do whatever i pleased. no expectations whatsoever.
i miss that.
i realized there were no expectations there because the people i knew in Shanghai felt the same way about life - live it and enjoy it.

i wear this quote daily: "love the life you live, live the life you love."
lately i've been struggling to live life that way... is it time for another big move to get away from all the pressure here?

i'm desperately trying to stand strong through the overwhelming wave of life.

gotta opihi on to the rock before i get washed away 

sigh...
two jobs - one mentally exhausting, one physically tiring, online course, finals, recording, singing gigs, crazy errands...

as much as i'd like life to slow down, i feel like i don't deserve the free time, i don't deserve to enjoy life.
i know there is something wrong with that mindset.

in times like these, i just want to hide in the corner of my closet.

the big quarter-cent is coming up in a couple days. makes me laugh since i always thought i'd never life to see 25.

time to switch off the brain and haul dirty dishes all day long. i'm truly excited for that.

the control freak in me had a moment of clarity tonight, and i thought i should document it via xanga for future reference.

the more chaotic my life gets, the more i attempt to grab my life reigns and steer it in the right direction.
however when i'm handling everything fine on the surface, i suffer internally and stress within at a level that others can sense.
there was a point this afternoon where i told myself, "f*ck it." everything started heading in a ridiculous direction, and instead of making more effort to control the mess i chose to go along for the ride.
best decision i made. at least for the moment.
i know i'll just have to do more work later, but it was nice to desist for a night and enjoy doing responsibility-free physical labor all night long.

some things that made me smile tonight:
     two people hunted me down in the restaurant to tip me for singing.
the guy thanked me "so much" for singing happy birthday. the woman said, "you're the one who sang for us, right? here you go, you're such a hard worker."
it was nice knowing that someone appreciated me for more than singing.
     while pre-bussing a table tonight, a woman said, "oh, i thought you were the girl who was singing."
i replied with a smile, "i am the girl who was singing." she blushed.

---

he bothers me. that's how i know i let him into my guarded self.
this is why i hate truly caring about others. once i open my heart to them, they tend to keep stabbing my insides via my heart. but almost always, semi-quote, unintentionally. the real quote is, "i never meant to ____" also interchangeable with, "i didn't mean to ____."
newsflash for the nth time -- it doesn't matter whether you meant it or not. the damage has already been done, i hurt, and you don't give a crap because all your retorts are regarding your non-intentions.

everyday i am pushed slightly closer to not existing.
i wish someone, something would be gracious enough to gift me with this one desire.

as i sat dejected in my car, the radio spoke to me by playing my favorite Don McLean hit:

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

---

old feelings - insanity, rage, misery, severe sorrow - have made several unwelcome reappearances in the past two weeks.  haven't felt this way in a while, and i'm unsure of the best way to deal with this attack. its definitely draining the life out of me, and i don't even feel like making the effort to keep my head above the water anymore. too much wasted energy trying to breathe.

i wish more people would just do more and hesitate, worry, second guess, and put up defenses less.

at times, life does suck, but it sucks way less if you can accept that sometimes life does blow and figure out what the best way to deal with it is rather than getting mad at life and dwelling on how unfair the world is. someone, find me a stop sign for that run-on sentence.

attempting to gain control of her personal life,
me

the trough of my life wave has passed, and i'm now riding the wave back up to its peak. i'm just going to ride it out and see where it takes me.

the past several weeks were a whirlwind. i was lied to by people i respected, let down from someone i thought was more mature, disappointed in several people, lost a job with no notice, and lost a good friend because of personal differences.

sigh.

however i can proudly say i didn't fall into the darkness that has typically consumed me. i kept as busy as i could with the coursework for the online course i recently began, started baking again, experienced new cuisines in new venues, and started planning out both my near and far future.

i can't figure out what i want more in life, but i think i'm pretty close to feeling sure of my decision.

today was the court date for the harassment case w/the ex. i couldn't make it, so the new date is in june, right between my dentist and obgyn appointments which i can't go to anymore because i freaking have no health insurance. damn this situation.

i'm grateful for all the amazing friends who respect that i need some "me time" during all of this.
your patience and understanding and offer to lend an ear or shoulder means so much to me. thank you.

may be in los angeles may 12-14 for any of you LA-ans who still read this. would love to meet up!

"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it."  - Edgar Watson Howe

seems like i ever only write here when i'm heading down that path of sadness or climbing my way back up...

this past several weeks were filled with work work work. the few spare hours in between were pleasant. the trip to maui was amazing.

i'm aching inside, and i can't even talk to anyone about any of this. the other day a song came on the radio; a man singing about how it hurts him so much to keep his feelings inside.

it just began to pour outside. there's a downpour inside. funny how the weather seems so in sync with my emotions.

can't think right now. just want to fall asleep and forget everything for a few hours.

...maybe this entry should be more appropriately named "obligation." maybe even self defined obligation? whatever it is, i hate feeling this way. my ass is bruised from kicking myself for not doing what i want to do. sigh... maybe i should find a more reinforcing method of punishment... or maybe i should find a better reinforcer.

whatever the case, i sit here wondering why i care so much about things/people i shouldn't really care so much about. my life repeats itself in that i always put in more effort than i ever receive. i don't expect anything in return, but sometimes when its blatantly obvious i won't receive anything, not even respect, i feel ashamed to have repeated yet another disappointing cycle. can't think right now... will clarify later. think i'm gonna brush out the mind cobwebs with some iichiko.