February 20, 2008
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2am and thinking...
yarr, damn adley and his semi-emo post. he got me thinking about a particular subject i don't enjoy thinking about these days -
though i've been single for almost a year, i spent a good amount of time dating, both semi-exclusively and casually. what the ---- is with the "semi-"s popping up in my writing? anyway...
i've really only come to embrace the single life in the past month, and i'm enjoying it thoroughly. however sometimes i do miss being able to come home and enjoy life with that special someone. but those moments are rare and fleeting.i have noticed a pattern in my romance life, for lack of a better name. i find that guys who are attracted to me are not the kind of guys i'm attracted to, and the guys who i am attracted to are guys who aren't attracted to me. there were way too many "attracted"s in that last sentence. why is this? am i looking for something i know i can't have? haha scratch that, i'm not looking. rather, why do i attract guys who i wouldn't like, and why do (did?) i like guys who wouldn't like me? am i another case in point of "you always want what you can't have"? i wonder if this means i'll end up settling later in life. haha, yeah right.
anyway, i don't know if i'm writing this just to write it or for self-confirmation, but i am enjoying life right now. it's been a huge change of pace for me, going from crazy busy to taking it slow. some people at work poke fun at me that i work because i have no life. the truth is that i choose to work in the evenings to avoid dealing with life. sad, i know, but i don't feel like i'm in the right place to be seriously thinking about where i'm going next or what i'm going to do now.
i also enjoy working in the evenings because being alone in the evenings isn't that enjoyable. i talked about this briefly with the old best friend, and we both agreed that solo evenings aren't that great, especially when we used to return home to a warm, comforting home. i miss coming home and feeding the cats, either figuring out what to order for dinner or what to buy at the grocery store to make dinner, going out to buy the latest in-theatre movies on knock off dvds, lighting candles and curling up on the comfy custom couch with the fleece IKEA blankets. i miss putting on new cds and playing along on my guitar, reading in bed while listening to the keyboard clattering in the study, hearing the bustle of the cats chasing each other around. i also miss being able to go out at any time in the evening on bicycle or moped and trying new restaurants and meeting up with friends. i miss the dinners that extended into late night hours long conversations and story sharing. i miss late night dining outings, which really should be renamed to early-early-morning outings, and getting breakfasts and endless cups of coffee at canters, peanut smoothys at charmant, sweets and hk style food at macau restaurant or tsui wah, hot pot at macau dollar, and random food from 24 hour diners in NYC. i miss those "city comforts", i'll admit, i do. i miss being able to do whatever i want whenever i desire. GOSH!
this is really sad, but i feel like the only thing i can do whenever i want here in hawaii is go to wal-mart. haha... how lame. and even funnier that i run into people i know when i do my late night wal-mart runs to fulfill that need for city life independence. yeah, now this post is going off on a tangent. i'm going to try and stop thinking about all of this and enjoy the few hours i have left before work starts. here's to hoping i get called off tomorrow
Comments (3)
I have you beat - it's almost 6:30am and I haven't slept yet, class is at 9.
I'm thinking about not going.
Except girl-that-makes-me-emo is in BOTH of my classes tomorrow.
I'm justifying it with my own casual curiosity on a band I haven't heard in a few years, only to find that the singer and songwriter had passed away in July.
Seriously, I never even met the guy, and only saw them once, in Venice, while doing a homework assignment. I ended up spending the last of my money on their 2 CDs, and have thoroughly enjoyed the music ever since.
And yet here I am, at 6:30 in the morning unable to sleep, for once not because I'm being emo, but because someone I never got the chance to meet passed away 7 months ago.
And hey - I miss city life, too. Things are so different up here in Highland Park/South Pasadena!
ah, charmont. that was yummy.
on the topic of wal-mart, a few friends of mine (who i would join on occasions) used to go to wal-mart late at night and play a scavenger hunt type game...
and, regarding solo nights, that's been the story of my weekday nights. it's nice to have some quiet time to turn the brain off after a long day of work but that's pretty much it in terms of clear cut positives. at least you're in a warmer locale so hopefully that helps versus cold & wet Redwood City.
oh, and on an unrelated note, i've been playing rock band (video game) on the xbox w/my co-workers. since i pretty much suck on the (fake) guitar and (fake) drums, i'm relegated to the singing. it's all fun times and it makes me think back on singstar parties at moat street. take care!
to love or to be loved?
it seems like such a no brainer choice, but when it comes down to it, it's hard to let go of what you love even if you're not being loved in return.
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