i've been floating on cloud nine for a month and a half... lucky me...

...but i'm also starting to fall back into scary old habits :S

i definitely haven't been taking much care of my body in the past month and a half -
i haven't gone to the gym as regularly as i usually do,
i've been eating out much more than usual,
and my sleeping habits are all over the place.

in the past few days, that uncomfortably familiar feeling of health craziness is starting to kick in again...

some people smoke, others do drugs... i choose to get high on exercise and diet.
help...? :S

just wanted to jot down what an awesome wednesday i had...

step class that kicked my ass - wow, am I out of shape or what?!
grocery shopping
chores around the house and a nap
a few hours of ABA work
back home for another short nap and some bird texting
lucia opera chorus rehearsal for two hours
met up with ryan, danielle, nick, and mark at kincaids, good times
the cherry on top was an unexpected text from my bird and a short chat :^)

why can't every day be like that?

whaaat is going on?

this computer screen is too freaking bright - i'm squinting! hahaha...

so... i haven't updated in a month or so because life has been pretty awesome.
let me list the ways...
1. ABA work mellowed out, but i had time to attend a VBA workshop/training session that sparked my career goals
2. opera has been going alright. nothing significant, but i am singing more
3. the guy i fell for during the summer suddenly fell for me after i returned from japan, and we've been spending a lot more time together
4. macgrill guests have been treating me well

and here i am blogging.
it seems i tend to blog only when things are bothering me,
and i guess they are.

here goes... *BIG BREATH IN*

bird and i are going on staycation for the next couple days.
why is this awesomely amazing?
(uh oh, i may be overusing lists in this blog!)
1. this is the first time something like this was not my idea but his (wow)
2. i could really use a few days of relaxation and caring about nothing
3. i'm excited to see how the two birds really get along with each other 24/7

then today came around. a day of testing... life tests.
i only got to speak to my bird for a few minutes tonight, and during that conversation, i was bombarded with texts from guys who have been trying to spend time with me for the past few months.
i haven't heard from them in a month or so -- i pretty much stopped communication with any male figure since my bird has given me his attention -- and it just so happens that they all decided to text me tonight at the same time WHILE I'M TALKING TO MY BIRD? :S
what's going on here??
sh*t about wanting to meet up and catch up, "i like you" <--most random text i've gotten in a looooong time, etc.

this may be going out on a limb (muahaha... how fitting for the bird thing...)
but why did that all happen during the phone time i had with my bird?
whaaaat is going on? is life testing me?
while my bird and i aren't exclusively together, i haven't even thought about anyone else for the past few months.
you might say i had bird brain

just a straaaange string of occurrences.

earlier today before my macgrill shift, i posted a facebook profile that said,
"cannot wait for tonight's shift to end!! "
'cause, well, i couldn't wait for the shift the end - no work 'til next friday or saturday!
plus i was looking forward to staycay...

and i sh*t you not, my shift started out with:
two ladies who sat in my booth for 2.5 hours and only ate caesar salads and shared a cheesecake
two people sharing a spaghetti and meatballs
a couple who sat in my booth for 3 hours
two japanese girls who shared a capellini pomodoro
WHAT!?
that's when i started thinking that maybe someone, something is testing me for whatever reason...

it made me start thinking,
and you know how once the brain starts to fire, it never stops--
-- how badly do i want the things i want?
do i want them badly enough to ignore the stupid shit that gets in the way?

and that's where i'm at right now.
sigh.

one thing i did think of was...
it's hard to commit to something/someone who can't commit back.
and when you do commit despite that,
that must mean its something pretty darn special.

so maybe i do have something special with my bird...
...or maybe i don't,
but in my eyes, it is pretty special.
:^) chirp.

aiyaiyai... why do i write when i drink on an empty stomach?

so here is my dilemma.

though a major weight has been lifted from my shoulders, i still find myself wondering what i really want in life.
to the point where i forgot about a job commitment i had today.
if you know me, that is HUGE! i never forget about stuff like that...
... but i think i forgot about it because i'm kinda floating around in my head right now...

so i went on a tour to japan. each day we stayed in a different city until the last three days which were spent in Kyoto.
i had an amazing time - a very life changing trip.
one of the highlights was meeting stig, a guy 18 years my senior, on the plane over to japan.
he's a grad student at kyoto uni, and he's spent the last 26 years hopping from one job to the next, just enjoying what comes his way.
meeting him was one of the most refreshing things i've experienced in the past year.
he's proof that there are others out there that are like me.
hearing his life story and what he's been through really slapped me across the face and woke me up.

recently i've been pondering what to do with my life...
should i settle down and stay in hawaii?
should i stay in hawaii temporarily and get a master's degree so i can move away?
or should i just leave now and live the nomadic life i used to enjoy?

i am a person who like to give her 100+% to things
i hate giving less than that, and i love to put effort into things about which i am passionate.
i really wish someone would guide me to the right path,
the one i should be devoting myself to,
but instead i sit here in purgatory, lost and wandering,
holding onto hope i create for myself with no true basis

as secure as i may seem on the outside, (if at all...)
at the moment i am a lost soul,
wondering what path she should wander about...

there is:
1. taking a gamble with whom i am enamored (did i just frickin write that? ahaha), with a relationship that is undefined and has been for a couple months and will probably be undefined for an indefinite amount of time
2. taking a HUGE step for me and getting a new car <--- implications being that i must remain in hawaii for a good couple years since my parents will be financing it... COMMITMENT?? *nibbles at glittery fingertips*
3. screwing both options and moving back to shanghai, a place i've grown to love and feel comfortable in. what i'd do for money, i don't know. but it'd be nice to have that comfort again...
4. risking it all with someone who's burned me before big time yet is what i thought i always wanted but am no longer sure if i want that or not?

can you imagine that?
a city giving someone comfort? an alive yet inanimate object comforting me more than a person?
all my life i've sought comfort from other human beings
and now i've given up and resort to city comfort.
is this possible???

am i ready to be the one-woman wolf pack?
hooooooowl!!!

... of reality.

tonight someone reiterated that i'm the youngest person they've dated in the context of...

me: "i'm the youngest person going on this tour" (to japan)
him: "you are the youngest person on my tour! hahahaha"

(realization: that laugh is one "ha" short of the laugh from someone in my past...)

my reply: "it'd be nice if you didn't have any other stops hey, a girl can wish..."
him: ---minutes of non-response---

well.
a girl can wish, but this girl also has just been slapped in the face by reality.
hey, reality, leave me the f*ck alone

it really sucks realizing that i may be, and more concretely am probably, just another stop on some guy's tour.
ouch.

OUCH!!!

sigh.
yet another reminder of why i remain on this earth.
answer to that question: "yes, cat, WHY are you still here???"

...

being alive is interesting.

we have total control of our beings, our bodies, our minds...
yet (with a few exceptions) our feelings are much harder to wrestle

we can change our bodies by altering calorie consumption and exhaustion
we can alter the color of our external body parts - hair, eyes, nails, lips, cheeks, skin
we can choose to make these changes, or we can choose to keep things the same

what lies at the core of the desire to change?
i've lost touch with it,
and i want it back.

in college change of location was a top priority of mine -
     it was flight after flight after flight during those years.
after college change of lifestyle was most important -
     i learned to do away with frivolity and enjoy a pared down, simpler life
returning to hawaii reinforced the lifestyle change and allowed me to make another change,
     change in health and body awareness.
     this is important to me because we have only vessel to last us through our years
     might as well take care of it, keep it healthy, well-oiled, well-nourished

and i think i'll keep focusing on this change
before i start the new one...
change in career.
this is freaking overwhelming for some reason,
and paired alongside the secrets that have consumed my life for the past year and a half,
i'm starting to freak out!
eek!

well, like most people do,
i'll turn a blind eye,
ignore the truth,
and hope it goes away
hah. we all know that's not who i am.
but i soooo wish i was able to ignore my issues like everyone else does quite well...
wish-granting genie, where are you?

just when i feel like i'm starting to gather myself together again,
Monday blows me back a few steps.

why does life test us this way? whyyyyyyy?

seriously, though. if someone can give me a solid, non-philosophical, satisfying answer,
i will award thee 2 eProps and one of those icon picture thingies.

i've been looking forward to today for a few weeks now...
*in deep, important sounding movie voice*
today is the day i transform my look!

so shallow, but i really feel like a complete redo of my outside image will help encourage me to get the inside moving as well.
whatever it takes, right? RIGHT???

in other news, i am pretty sad right now.
story to follow after i chop my hair off.

tonight's randomly chosen netflix film got me thinking...

Suburban Girl -- ala imdb.com: 

*thumbs up for the opening song being sara b.'s love song

in the movie, the older man completely falls for the younger woman.
how far from my life is this?? heh.
the last several guys i've been attracted to are 10+ years older than i,
and all of them were "just not that into" me.
all the while, handfuls of guys my age are making their timid efforts to spend time with me,
and i am "just not that into" them.

taking a step back from all this, i see:
i am not interested in these 20-somethings because they can't give me what i desire,
so does that mean the older men aren't interested in me because i can't give them what they desire?
or maybe they don't desire me at all... which is temporarily saddening but easy to get over after going through this several times...

my friends like to feed me excuses filled with false hope,
but the truth remains (and the movie tonight reaffirmed),
if you want something badly enough,
you will stop at nothing to get it.
if you give up trying,
then maybe you didn't want it that much in the first place.

and that's kind of where i'm at right now...
accepting the fact that maybe, in the age when everything is at our convenience,
we no longer want things badly enough to really go out and get them
since cheap substitutes and poor reasoning can fill the void quickly

i used to be such a passionate person, passionate about love, life, and all that falls under those...
getting burned too many times really has jaded me...
i want it back!
should i take baby steps, or should i just jump balls in like i used to live?

...is just a muscle, a physical mass of our beings,
yet it is so influenced by our minds and emotions
the experiences we take in with our beings - eyes, ears, tongues, noses, touch -
all affect how fast or slow it begins to pump

and when the emotional sadness becomes too much to bear,
the heart muscle becomes stressed
and feels like its being squeezed
or filled with lead and drops to rest on the diaphragm

funny how all that becomes connected
and reels us back into the circular motion of life.

luckily for me,
my heart has been light with happy thoughts and emotions in the last week
and
i am very thankful for that.

loving her life right now,
thehungrykitty

whyyyy why why why...

if i had to split my life into sections, it'd probably end up something like this (in no particular order):
- work
- relationships
- health
- family & friends
- hobbies <-- almost non-existent unfortunately

most of the time i concentrate on work to forget about/avoid relationships.
sometimes health will become more of a priority, and i also focus on this to forget about relationships.
i try to make time for my family & friends, but its hard when i concentrate so much on work.
hobbies... this is almost a joke category. i haven't ever taken up a hobby for an extended period of time. what's wrong with me?

maybe its the summer and all the changes its brought,
but i feel like my life for the past several months has whizzed by much too quickly for my enjoyment.
the summer has treated me gloriously and graciously,
but now that its over, i feel that i have nothing to show for it.

though work has been loads less stressful,
i've yet to kick myself in the bum and get a start on my certification.
not a long process; i've just once again succumbed to laziness.
oh, laziness... stop welcoming me with glasses of red wine and memory foam pillows.

the past week has thrown me a bone...
as much as i'd been ignoring the relationship part of my life,
i've had to come face to face with my issues in that department.
there is someone who is definitely not a good match for me, but i still care about this person a lot. beats me why i can't cut the cord; i get nothing out of this relationship.
then there is someone who i really started to like but have started to slowly take steps away from him as a precautionary measure. no more getting hurt!
also there is someone who will randomly check in on me, but i know he'll never be able to give me what i need, despite our lengthy, complicated history. maybe a good friendship?
and lastly there is someone who is giving me what i've wanted before but now no longer desire. are we victims of fate's cruel timing?

if someone had asked me one year ago what i wanted in a relationship, the answer would have been something like:
i want to wake up every morning beside someone who would enjoy a cup of coffee with me
we'd enjoy a leisurely breakfast together before parting ways for the day
on occasion we'd sneak some time and go slightly out of our way to share lunch together
on the few evenings we'd be able to share together, a bottle of wine, simple home made dinners, and fulfilling conversation would make the evening marvelous
we'd make plans to take trips together and actually live out the plans
and we'd truly enjoy the time we'd be able to spend together, no matter what it is we're doing.

*scoffs*
i can't believe i've changed so much.
it almost worries me, but not so, as i've come to enjoy my current life and independence.
the other part that worries me
is the fact that now there is someone who would fulfill all the previous desires i had a year ago
yet i find that i no longer want those things anymore.

now i ask myself, what do you want in a relationship, cat?
my first reaction is to avoid answering the question and pretend to ignore it...
my second grudgingly forced answer is:
i can't f*cking get myself to answer this!!
i guess i can answer that with the question,
do you really want a relationship, cat?
do you want to risk getting hurt again?
do you want to resort back to the happy-go-lucky, passionate, loving, go-for-it gal
when being more closed, more private, and more reserved seems to be working?
working... working... what does that really mean?
i guess its working in the sense that i no longer feel upset if someone i want to see doesn't want to see me
i quite enjoy my "me" time...

blah, i'm not ready to face this yet.
so, as i've done in the past,
this issues will once again be put on the shelf for later discussion.
until then...

*locks key*

health... though my work stress level has gone down, i think the stress in other aspects of my life have gone up.
how to remedy this...
keeping busy has always worked, but now that i'm less busy,
my constant thoughts seem to plague me more often and bear down heavier.
tonight i heard, "turn that frown upside down!" and "you look so sad" and "that's the saddest face i've seen in a long time"
greaaaat. now i'm sucking at hiding my feelings.
guess i never was really good at that
random patches of inflammation have appeared on my face
and though the dermatologist seems only interested in treating it,
others around me have commented that its probably stress related.
uuuuuugh.
constant fucking word, always in my damn life.
how the hell do i make it go away??
in other news... the gym has helped me put on a few extra pounds.
so screw all y'alls who are constantly telling me to put on weight.
i'll do it, and i'll have the guns to prove it

family and friends...
my parents' 35th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few days.
35 freaking years. wow. kudos to them for putting up with the trials and tribulations life has given them over the past 35 years.
my family also got hit with pneumonia, nasty stuff i tells ya.
friends... i've kept in touch with the ones who mean something to me, and i constantly think about the ones i haven't gotten in touch with recently. shame on me.

hobbies...
august looks to be an interesting month...
lots of opera singing to be had. next week starts a rehearsal schedule for an opera workshop i'm doing.
super excited to start singing again.
i know there's some kind of talent within me,
and though i have no unrealistic dreams that i'm chasing,
i would love to develop my potential further and keep bringing smiles of bewilderment to my guests' faces.

and that's a wrap.
maybe next blog will reveal the answers to the issues i wasn't able to address in this one.
maybe.