February 1, 2008

• phewww...

  ...www. so... the LSAT is this Saturday, and i've finally come to accept the fact that i probably won't do as well as i know i can. i know, i know, i should be thinking, "cat, you're going to kick this test's arse!" but i need to be honest with myself because i can't make myself believe in a lie woohoo, self confidence. anyway... i guess the hardest part for me is dealing with the fact that i'll probably have to retest in June because i have a feeling i'll score lower on this test than i have been doing on my practice tests since i don't really know what to expect, etc. retesting isn't suggested, but if i really want it bad enough, i'll put in that extra effort to score better in June.

  too bad i didn't put in that extra effort this time around; it's hard to concentrate and focus on this test when i feel like the rest of my life is uncontrollable. you'd think that i would have focused on this test since its one of the only "solid" things in my life at the moment, but it's been tough to not be distracted by the uncertainties and the pressure from the expectations of doing well on the first shot.

  yeah, the pressure... erk. i feel like so many people expected me to do great things my entire life, and i allowed their expectations to take shape and mold me. excuse my incoherence as early as first grade, i remember my parents and teachers jumping on me whenever i showed signs of potential success - reading, writing, math, music, leadership, oh, not phys ed, heh. i don't blame them 'coz isn't helping a child to reach his/her fullest potential part of the job description of being an adult? some examples...
  - in elementary when singing and playing music came naturally, i saw teachers' hopeful reactions (my parents didn't really have any reaction towards my musical inclinations) and felt like i needed to live up to some kind of standard for them. i guess the music example is different from the others because i actually enjoyed performing and making music as opposed to the grudges i felt with the other stuff...
  - in intermediate when some teachers shuffled me into the class board elections because they thought i'd be a good leader. i went along with it because they wanted it, even though i felt so awkward and out of my element.
  - same with song contest - i never really felt like a song leader until senior year of high school.
  - gosh, classes... being placed in the honors track even though i didn't belong there. heh, i remember it so well... going from honors biology and algebra 2 to regular chem and geometry & trig. during junior year i sat next to classmates whom i'd never had classes with before. unlike sophomore year where i struggled and failed miserably to keep up with the rest of my honors alg 2 class, i felt comfortable in geometry, trig, and chemistry, and this feeling helped me do really well in those classes.

  hm, while writing this out, i guess i saw the reasoning behind all the expectations. if i was excelling in the "regular" classes, why not challenge me and exercise my potential by putting me in the honors classes. i guess i felt that the honors classes were more detrimental than beneficial because i felt so slow and, many times, incompetent. in the regular classes, i didn't feel any pressure to excel, and as a result i did great.

  one of the most difficult things that i've constantly dealt with was the disappointment i received from others whenever i did "less" of what they expected of me. that's why i've always felt like i had to live up to people's expectations - so i wouldn't disappoint them. sometimes i wonder where i'd be today if nobody put the pressure of expectations on me. i wish i'd been told that it is okay to do what makes me happy. i wish my mom wouldn't expect so much from me and show her disappointment when i don't fulfill her hopes. i wish, i wish, i wish. i wish those wishes could become realities. and i also wish i was strong enough to just go out there and do what makes me happy.

  with my new hostess job at the macaroni grill (there, i've said it!) i've met so many new people who are markedly different from the people i've met in college and overseas. there's a girl from italy/switzerland who works random different jobs to fill her time and save up to travel to south america. another girl who moved to hawaii with her boyfriend and is making ends meet with her server job and hoping to teach yoga. people who have worked in the restaurant industry for years and seem satisfied with it.

  i envy their satisfaction. i enjoy my job (i get to sing which makes me enjoy it) but i have to come home to face my mom who reminds me that i should be doing something more significant with my college education and degree. she scoffs at my low hourly wage, but i ignore it by reveling in the high i get after doing a double shift.

  my wants, needs, and desires differ greatly from those who i've known my entire life. i want to perform, not make money. i need self satisfaction, not material items. i desire expression, not financial success. i wish i could pursue what makes me happy and not let down my parents, or at very least, not be affected by letting them down. sigh...

  haha. reid just showed up with a box of liliha cream puffs. i'm glad a knight showed up in shining armor. i need to be blinded and not think about life for a bit.

  • 12:38 am
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