i just got back home from my audition - yarrr!! i'm still shaking slightly, haha... yeah, that was nervous laughter typed out. i just auditioned for the hawaii opera theater's opera studio - my first formal audition ever. ho-ly-geez. i was soooo so nervous...

it was just me, the piano, and the pianist on stage. i could barely see the judges out in the middle of the concert hall due to the bright lights. the elderly pianist made me feel at ease as i told her it was my first audition, and she said she was happy she'd be the first to play for me, heh. i stated my name and that i'd be singing O Mio Babbino Caro (yeah, shush, i know it's a popera tune).

the song flowed out of me, tinged with nervousness as i watched the judges pass my resume and info sheet back and forth. i clenched my hands together near my diaphragm to stop from freaking out mid-song. i didn't sing it as well as i know i could have because i couldn't fully suppress my nerves, but towards the end i began to relax. Babbo, pieta, pieta! - dearest father, pity me! have mercy! in my head: judges pleeease have mercy

they then asked me to sing part of the Habanera, and the pianist told me to think "gypsy" i began - l'amour est un oiseau rebelle, que nul ne peut apprivoiser - love is a rebellious bird that nothing can tame. i felt like i couldn't tame my nervousness, but eventually began to get into the song. pheeeew.

"thank you, cathryn." i took that cue to leave the stage and went to grab my stuff. one of the guys came backstage to shake my hand and tell me i had a great voice. he also asked how long i'd been back home and what i do. i told him that i sing at the mac grill, hahaha... geez. he said, well that's great, it's a singing gig. heh.. i couldn't stop shaking on the way to the car. for some reason, i felt more nervous after it was over, hehe. i had a difficult time replying to a text message asking me how it went.

my first real audition, and i feel good about it. i stepped out of my comfort zone (aka the lazy, do nothing zone) and put myself out there. i haven't felt so vulnerable in a while, but it did give me a rush... wow! now i don't know what to do with the rest of my 'saturday'... maybe some reading. yeah, some reading would be nice. need to relaaaax.

i've begun to notice a trend in my life of which i'm not particularly fond - my expert procrastination skills are increasingly failing me

procrastination pressure used to help me produce the best work in so many aspects of my life - school, music, work. i found that i'd get As on my essays and exams which i wrote 24 hours before the due date or studied for the day before the exam, and i'd do subpar whenever i put more time into preparing for anything.

however, recently i've been putting off stuff that i shouldn't have, and now i'm suffering sh*t. i need to kick this awful habit because it's only slowing me down and making me look stupid

merh. learned my lesson, i guess. i just wish i didn't put myself in the position to look like a stupid ass tomorrow, haha.

wow, what a GREAT DAY today was

started off waking up earlier than usual from a very welcome text message, then planned out some stuff and prepped for the next week and work. started work at 12 with a saluta i like, and everything went smoothly for a couple hours. then something trippy happened - a guy came in looking for his friend and said, "are you cat? i'm chevy!" WOW, i haven't seen him in yeeeeears, like seriously so long that i didn't even recognize him! but what a highlight to my monotonous arvo.

took my lunch break a little earlier than usual and chatted w/one of the guys from work. got my new favorite "in a jiffy" drink - tall double vanilla skinny latte - and thanked tara for telling me that i didn't have to walk over to the xinbake by macy*s for it -- there's one right downstairs in barnes and noble, hehe. only thing is that the barnes & noble sb baristas are on it and actually charge me extra for the skinny lattes... borders and the one outside macy*s don't charge that extra dollar

then i started the rest of the day working w/one of my fave salutas, and we jumped for joy when we saw the new schedule for the next two weeks. i literally did a little jig when i saw it... i start work at 11 for the next two weeks!! this means i'll have free nights!! whoa em gee! but i'll probably try to pull some night shifts in hopes for better tips on the nights when i really don't have anything to do... i just hope the managers will let me stay on longer. but ho-ly-cow. you have no idea how amazing it was to see that i wasn't scheduled for any swing shifts plus i only have to work one day with la diabla -- hells yeah!! gosh... i am going to thoroughly enjoy the next two weeks. ) plus i already have plans for tomorrow night... woohoo, looking fwd to it.

working the evening was great - it wasn't super busy, and i loved the salutas tonight. the rest of a staff was a good mix too which made work so awesome. everyone asked me why i was so happy and bubbly... they had no idea that it was because today was one of those days, and i haven't had one of these in a while. yes! i got some tips tonight, nothing amazing, but hey, every little bit helps. i felt like i deserved a good dinner tonight, so i tried the two new things on the mac grill menu -- the new ingredients in the create your own pasta and our new dessert, the three berry tiramisu. both AMAZING and lucky for me tonight's singing tips just covered the bill with employee discount. mm mm mm mm mm. i ate and chatted with tara for a bit, and everyone kept poking their head in... i love days like these.

now i'm home "early" enough to be able to read for a few hours, yaaaay. ) i can't wait for tomorrow!! please, life, don't let me down now... i'm really enjoying riding this high~

yarr, damn adley and his semi-emo post. he got me thinking about a particular subject i don't enjoy thinking about these days -

though i've been single for almost a year, i spent a good amount of time dating, both semi-exclusively and casually. what the ---- is with the "semi-"s popping up in my writing? anyway...
i've really only come to embrace the single life in the past month, and i'm enjoying it thoroughly. however sometimes i do miss being able to come home and enjoy life with that special someone. but those moments are rare and fleeting.

i have noticed a pattern in my romance life, for lack of a better name. i find that guys who are attracted to me are not the kind of guys i'm attracted to, and the guys who i am attracted to are guys who aren't attracted to me. there were way too many "attracted"s in that last sentence. why is this? am i looking for something i know i can't have? haha scratch that, i'm not looking. rather, why do i attract guys who i wouldn't like, and why do (did?) i like guys who wouldn't like me? am i another case in point of "you always want what you can't have"? i wonder if this means i'll end up settling later in life. haha, yeah right.

anyway, i don't know if i'm writing this just to write it or for self-confirmation, but i am enjoying life right now. it's been a huge change of pace for me, going from crazy busy to taking it slow. some people at work poke fun at me that i work because i have no life. the truth is that i choose to work in the evenings to avoid dealing with life. sad, i know, but i don't feel like i'm in the right place to be seriously thinking about where i'm going next or what i'm going to do now.

i also enjoy working in the evenings because being alone in the evenings isn't that enjoyable. i talked about this briefly with the old best friend, and we both agreed that solo evenings aren't that great, especially when we used to return home to a warm, comforting home. i miss coming home and feeding the cats, either figuring out what to order for dinner or what to buy at the grocery store to make dinner, going out to buy the latest in-theatre movies on knock off dvds, lighting candles and curling up on the comfy custom couch with the fleece IKEA blankets. i miss putting on new cds and playing along on my guitar, reading in bed while listening to the keyboard clattering in the study, hearing the bustle of the cats chasing each other around. i also miss being able to go out at any time in the evening on bicycle or moped and trying new restaurants and meeting up with friends. i miss the dinners that extended into late night hours long conversations and story sharing. i miss late night dining outings, which really should be renamed to early-early-morning outings, and getting breakfasts and endless cups of coffee at canters, peanut smoothys at charmant, sweets and hk style food at macau restaurant or tsui wah, hot pot at macau dollar, and random food from 24 hour diners in NYC. i miss those "city comforts", i'll admit, i do. i miss being able to do whatever i want whenever i desire. GOSH!

this is really sad, but i feel like the only thing i can do whenever i want here in hawaii is go to wal-mart. haha... how lame. and even funnier that i run into people i know when i do my late night wal-mart runs to fulfill that need for city life independence. yeah, now this post is going off on a tangent. i'm going to try and stop thinking about all of this and enjoy the few hours i have left before work starts. here's to hoping i get called off tomorrow

today was one of those day that restores my faith in life. after a couple of crap days this past week, things have started to look up with today being the apex.
i caught up with friends, purchased long coveted books for cheap, returned to my old starbucks hang out, dined with a new friend, and experienced a great performance of The Barber of Seville, all three acts of it.
oh, and the package siao sent me ages ago greeted me when i returned home. awesome x 3.
going to make the most of my 'free night' now and indulge in Interpreter of Maladies and coconut cake. ah, simple pleasures.
still smiling,
cat

some random tidbits on this early saturday mornin'~
- it makes me smile when people hum or sing along with me when i sing " 'O Sole Mio" at the restaurant
- i'm glad i can honestly tell people i don't know the lyrics to songs from Phantom of the Opera and Cats
- The Flower Duet from Lakme entrances me. i wish i could sing it with someone who could help me do it justice, like lauren

stories:
- there's this cute little haole girl with the most innocent, expressive eyes and curly blonde hair who came in once before and followed me around with a huge grin on her face while i sang. this past wednesday, her mom brought her in again and they had a late lunch there. she asked if i remembered them, and i did once i saw the little girl! they asked if i could sing again, so i sang the top part of the Flower Duet from Lakme. once again the little girl fixated her eyes on me while i sang. i've never seen such an aspiring look on a child so young. she's maybe 3 years old? i'm not sure, i should've asked. anyway, she gave me hug and even found me to say goodbye when they were leaving, haha. her mom told me that ever since they came to the mac grill and heard me sing, the little girl has been walking around the house with her hands up "opera style" and singing, hehe. they also wanted me to take a picture with the girl, hehe. so adorable.

- despite having sinus congestion yesterday, i eked out 'O Sole Mio and Habanera for a table of 9 older folks. one of the men told me that my voice sounds like Filippa Giordano, so i looked her up this morning. i don't think i sound like her, hahaha. anyway, i'm glad they enjoyed it. they spent a ton at the mac grill, yay for business. plus they tipped... always awesome.

that's all for now... still waking up. i don't have to work 'til 5pm today, WOOHOO. that's like a miracle i tells you. i think i'll run a ton of errands today. yeehaw.

probably the most random and hectic valentine's day ever. this is probably going to be uninteresting to everyone who reads this, but i need to blog it all down so i can sleep with a peaceful mind.
i started the day getting up at 4:30am with a mean fever and feeling really dehydrated with chills and body aches. urgh. i went to my computer and was greeted by an email from someone i'd been looking forward to hearing from. oh, ended that sentence with a preposition. after a quick reply and downing a tall glass of walborne (walgreen's generic version of airborne), i spent the next 30 minutes trying to warm up in bed and fall asleep. uuuugh. i dislike being ill.

after a few more hours of sleep, i dragged myself through the morning routine and drove to walmart to stock up on the day's necessities: tissues, tylenol cold, and two 5 hour energy shots. i'd heard that the miracle juice worked, so i thought i'd give it a shot since i knew i'd probably be pulling a long day. i got to work a bit early and received a text from j-rod saying that he spied my car in the parking lot. what a great way to start off v-day - randomly running into a friend i hadn't seen in years. we chatted for a bit before we both had to open up... spent the next 1.5 hours trying to juggle the morning duties while taking loads of phone calls from people who were trying to make reservations for valentine's day. hellurrrr, should've thought about making reservations earlier. and anyway, why would anyone want to spend their v-day dinner at the mac grill? haha. i mean, i love my restaurant but it's not exactly romantic...

i spent three hours doing to-go orders and punching in orders for room service in paradise. things were so crazy busy, i barely sat people... spent most of my time doing to-gos. i was a bit irritated when someone came in and didn't give me a chance to sing, but i got over it after i reminded myself i'm better than her anyway, haha. that sounds so awful, but there's more behind it really. i just don't feel like going into it too much... anywho. david got us v-day cupcakes that one of the bartenders had baked, that was nice. but then he also asked me if i was pregnant when i said i felt nauseous. so that was like, oh david's actually being nice... oh wait, actually he's the same old ass, haha. i finally got to go on break and just kind of zoned out for an hour with my garden salad, half eaten bread, david, and two new sas. after the lunch hour was up, i clocked back in and kept answering phones and taking more to-go orders... gosh. i've never done so many to-gos... it gets crazy. mary came in and saved my day... we both did to-gos tonight, and i'm so glad i got to work with her. i would've gone mad if she hadn't helped me out. plus we got to chat for short bits while rushing to get things done, so it made the night pass by faster. there was a point in the late arvo where the stress started to get to me -- i almost broke down 'coz i was tired, sick, irritated, and stressed out, but after a few deep breaths and remembering that it's just a job, i was able to pull myself together and last for the rest of the night. i kept thinking of stuff that made me laugh and smile, and once the adrenaline kicked in again i was flying. i'm so thankful that i work with great people. of course there are the lemons who make work sour sometimes, but for the most part there's more than people. and the people really know how to help me keep going through the long hours both intentionally and unintentionally doing so. so thankful for them.

one of the guys at work gave me a rose as he left but he didn't say anything... i wasn't even sure if it was for me until his friend (chdork, haha...inside joke) asked if he'd given me a rose. those boys need to grow up. the convo between me and the friend went like: friend: did __ give you a rose? me: yeah, why? didn't he give everyone roses? friend: no, he didn't. oh my gosh, he didn't even give his ex-chick a rose. i'm not going to talk to him! me: *thinking... GROW UP* -- at the end of the night, one of the servers asked if that was his rose. then we all got confused like, did the guy who gave me the rose steal the rose from someone else and give it to me as a mean prank? so confusing. guess i'll try and figure it out tomorrow. i felt guilty taking the rose home because what if it was someone else's?? gosh. i also heard someone's "in love" with me, hah. i don't know what that really means, especially considering the circumstances. ah well... will try to figure that out too.

when i got home, i was greeted with an envelope from my bestie C best v-day gift ever. C, if you're reading his, i *hug* you. i'll be sure to msg you once i'm not delirious from work. found out that reid's going to put his dog down tomorrow, so we talked for a bit. and now here i am, just trying to purge my mind of all the randomness that happened today so i can sleep peacefully and get over this lingering cold. wish me ruck! i'm secretly hoping someone will call me tomorrow morning and tell me i don't have to work until 4pm... here's to hoping. and with that, i will try to catch some shut eye. good night, world.

pheeew. on my feet from 12 noon til 10pm. wow.

as much as i now appreciate the single life, one thing i do miss is snuggling with someone after a long day. sigh... memories will have to suffice for now.

happy chinese new year! it's my year, i'm 24, yay fellow rats, let's celebrate and hope that whole thing about your year being a shitty one is just a hoax. *crosses fingers*

i'm at this weird point in my life where i'm actually doing things for myself for once, and i can't come close to explaining just how odd and awkward it feels. i've spent so much of my life trying to please others and make others happy that i feel uncomfortable doing things for me. that includes setting goals for myself, trusting my instincts and inner voice, treating myself to the occasional splurge, and allowing others to please me instead. i'm still having a hard time dealing with that last one, but i think in time i'll be able to handle it better. this probably sounds very general, but ah well.

tabish came to the mac grill today to fill out an app, hehe. highlight of my arvo. ooh, i'm going to try and list at least 5 "good" things of the day. peanut did something like this before. oh, speaking of peanut, that reminds me of ahhaha something funny. if you're reading this, remind me to tell you that i talked to tabish

good things about today:
1 - saw tabish
2 - clarified stuff w/certain someone
3 - jeff's (?) tips and short convo
4 - found black pants
5 - preparation for near future (effing scary!!! heeelp, need support)

pheeew. i worked a double shift today so i'm going to bed soon. yesterday i visited darren's grave and left a hong bao to wish him happy chinese new year. i miss him. i also left two lei at reily's bro and sis's sites; just missed him too, he was driving out while i was at the stoplight, heh. i kind of trudged through the work day feeling a bit down, but my overall mood didn't get to me that much. some people said things that showed me they could see i was a bit :; guess i need to work harder at keeping my own feelings off my face. i got some errands done today, woohoo. hope to get them all done tomorrow.

my, isn't my writing style tonight just so interesting. :. oh, one last random thing -- after work i stopped by quizno's for an italian veggie sub because i'd been craving quiznos for a while. halfway through my sandwich, the guy who made my sandwich took out the garbage. as he opened the door, he turned around and asked me if i was enjoying my sub. i told him yes, and that it was exactly what i was craving. he told me that i had a strong voice. i asked if he'd heard me singing upstairs at the mac grill, and he said, "you sing? oh no, i just meant you have a strong voice. i could tell when you were on the phone and when you ordered your sandwich." i know that wasn't really a compliment, but it made me smile to see him smile and to know that someone noticed something about me. i used to have those days where i felt so insignificant and pointless; i felt no one would miss me if i disappeared overnight. tonight's little conversation after work helped me take one more step towards feeling less insignificant. )

now if only those i cared about would help make me feel wanted... funny how it works in my life. the people i care about never seem to care about me the same way. i wonder if that means i need to stop caring about them and start caring about different, more deserving people, haha. i laugh because it's probably true. and with that, good night folks.

from CNY two years ago~

... so much unfounded unhappiness in the world? why do people feel the need to put others down? it brings me down so much sometimes.

i remember being a kid and having people laugh at me or tease me for things i did that were different or for mistakes. why are humans so mean? i can't wait to have children and have a chance to raise them to have kind hearts and to not judge people.

while browsing through a shop down at Ward Warehouse today, i came across a ring with an Emily Bronte quote written on it - "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." i know the context gives the quote a different meaning, but this quote resonates with me. people are so quick to judge other people by their skin color or their gender or the words they utter or the actions they do. of course i realize that sometimes its difficult to avoid letting some things get to you, but in the end we are all human. we all make mistakes, we all have accidents, we all have weaknesses. there's no reason why we should judge others for the things they do because they are people. granted i feel slightly differently when it comes to murder and the like, but i'll save that for another post. for now, i'll save my tips so i can wear my beliefs on my index finger.

---

yesterday evening at work one of the managers made 'light and fluffy lemon bread pudding' for the staff to share. whooooa. proof that bread pudding can be enjoyed! i used to think bread pudding was too heavy or bland to allow it in my body, but this light and fluffy version has changed my mind. actually i had a lot of "change my mind" experiences at work yesterday. huh. i learned more about some people which made me want to learn more about them. helped me remember that we're all human.

---

in other news... today was the first free day i've had in a while! i didn't have to worry about studying or work so i enjoyed my day lunching with a new friend at Kua 'Aina, browsing my new favorite jewelry store at Ward, getting a v-day gift for the only person i feel like getting a gift for, and signing up for a public library card. i love the public library system... books for free! i'm looking forward to tomorrow - meeting another friend for dinner at a restaurant i'm keen on trying. eee exciting!

in other other news, i am slightly bummed that i don't have anyone special to celebrate valentine's day with because it also means i have no one special with whom to celebrate every day. yet it is nice to have my independence. this year i'll be spending my valentine's day singing to people during dinner, hehe. i really need to start learning new songs...

and that's all i have for today. sorry, still waking up from my late arvo nap. toodle-loo to those of you who were bored enough to read this lame post~