the first thing i did when i got home from the test was hop onto my favorite law school forum. after reading what others put up about their tests today, i've got a better idea of how i did. not like any of you will care to read this, but i just want to write it out for my own sake~

the LSAT has five sections, one of which is experimental. luckily (no sarcasm there) i got a test booklet that had an experimental reading comprehension section. from reading what others had as their sections, i'm glad i got RC and not a logical reasoning or games section. the only weird thing was that my exp. RC section seemed easier than the actual RC section. hm. others have posted about how hard the first logical reasoning section was -- i concur. i caught myself zoning out during the first LR section... not good. i did okay on the games except i tripped up on the last two questions of the last game and had to guess damndamndamn. ah well, all i can do now is wait and get really drunk when my score gets emailed to me. all in all, it wasn't so bad. i just read something on how this LSAT was harder than the last two and how they're making the test more challenging, etc. at least i know what to expect for june

i've never joined an online forum before (besides that leirda thing... hah) but i find great joy in reading people's posts, hehe. octopus and red balls, llamas being better than dogs for shepherding, and other random stuff from the exam.. anyway. i should nap since i'll be working the night shift this evening - weeee!

~ before i let my brain leak out tomorrow!

while i do appreciate the well wishes i've recently received (good luck w/the test! i hope you do well!), i'm having a hard time constantly hearing unwarranted encouragement.
for example:
"i know you're going to do great!" -- really? how do you know that? do you have a good grasp on how i've been doing lately?
"you're smart, so you're going to kick ass!" -- this one irks me the most, especially since it resembles the logic crap on the test
"you've been studying so hard/much, you'll be fine!" -- thanks for the effort, but my studies and my mental state are constantly at odds

blaaaaaaaaah. the most difficult thing for me to deal with right now is knowing that if (when?) i score awfully, my mom will be disappointed. i won't be too disappointed because i know i'm just not in the right state of mind to perform to the best of my abilities. *big sigh* i guess i can't please everyone all the time :S

reading some of the LSAT prep and support forum threads has helped me loads in the past week. i've realized:
- doing poorly on your first test isn't the end of the world
- it's possible to retest and score significantly higher
- i'm not the only one who suffers from and is affected by text anxiety
- i shouldn't be so afraid of falling down

here ends my self-reflective pep talk to myself. i'm thinking about just keeping the crap score i'll get on tomorrow's test and using it to encourage me to do better in june. yes, i'm already planning to retest in june, heh. hopefully sitting through it will help me to get a better feel for the testing conditions, and that i'll know what to expect in june. here goes!

...www. so... the LSAT is this Saturday, and i've finally come to accept the fact that i probably won't do as well as i know i can. i know, i know, i should be thinking, "cat, you're going to kick this test's arse!" but i need to be honest with myself because i can't make myself believe in a lie woohoo, self confidence. anyway... i guess the hardest part for me is dealing with the fact that i'll probably have to retest in June because i have a feeling i'll score lower on this test than i have been doing on my practice tests since i don't really know what to expect, etc. retesting isn't suggested, but if i really want it bad enough, i'll put in that extra effort to score better in June.

too bad i didn't put in that extra effort this time around; it's hard to concentrate and focus on this test when i feel like the rest of my life is uncontrollable. you'd think that i would have focused on this test since its one of the only "solid" things in my life at the moment, but it's been tough to not be distracted by the uncertainties and the pressure from the expectations of doing well on the first shot.

yeah, the pressure... erk. i feel like so many people expected me to do great things my entire life, and i allowed their expectations to take shape and mold me. excuse my incoherence as early as first grade, i remember my parents and teachers jumping on me whenever i showed signs of potential success - reading, writing, math, music, leadership, oh, not phys ed, heh. i don't blame them 'coz isn't helping a child to reach his/her fullest potential part of the job description of being an adult? some examples...
- in elementary when singing and playing music came naturally, i saw teachers' hopeful reactions (my parents didn't really have any reaction towards my musical inclinations) and felt like i needed to live up to some kind of standard for them. i guess the music example is different from the others because i actually enjoyed performing and making music as opposed to the grudges i felt with the other stuff...
- in intermediate when some teachers shuffled me into the class board elections because they thought i'd be a good leader. i went along with it because they wanted it, even though i felt so awkward and out of my element.
- same with song contest - i never really felt like a song leader until senior year of high school.
- gosh, classes... being placed in the honors track even though i didn't belong there. heh, i remember it so well... going from honors biology and algebra 2 to regular chem and geometry & trig. during junior year i sat next to classmates whom i'd never had classes with before. unlike sophomore year where i struggled and failed miserably to keep up with the rest of my honors alg 2 class, i felt comfortable in geometry, trig, and chemistry, and this feeling helped me do really well in those classes.

hm, while writing this out, i guess i saw the reasoning behind all the expectations. if i was excelling in the "regular" classes, why not challenge me and exercise my potential by putting me in the honors classes. i guess i felt that the honors classes were more detrimental than beneficial because i felt so slow and, many times, incompetent. in the regular classes, i didn't feel any pressure to excel, and as a result i did great.

one of the most difficult things that i've constantly dealt with was the disappointment i received from others whenever i did "less" of what they expected of me. that's why i've always felt like i had to live up to people's expectations - so i wouldn't disappoint them. sometimes i wonder where i'd be today if nobody put the pressure of expectations on me. i wish i'd been told that it is okay to do what makes me happy. i wish my mom wouldn't expect so much from me and show her disappointment when i don't fulfill her hopes. i wish, i wish, i wish. i wish those wishes could become realities. and i also wish i was strong enough to just go out there and do what makes me happy.

with my new hostess job at the macaroni grill (there, i've said it!) i've met so many new people who are markedly different from the people i've met in college and overseas. there's a girl from italy/switzerland who works random different jobs to fill her time and save up to travel to south america. another girl who moved to hawaii with her boyfriend and is making ends meet with her server job and hoping to teach yoga. people who have worked in the restaurant industry for years and seem satisfied with it.

i envy their satisfaction. i enjoy my job (i get to sing which makes me enjoy it) but i have to come home to face my mom who reminds me that i should be doing something more significant with my college education and degree. she scoffs at my low hourly wage, but i ignore it by reveling in the high i get after doing a double shift.

my wants, needs, and desires differ greatly from those who i've known my entire life. i want to perform, not make money. i need self satisfaction, not material items. i desire expression, not financial success. i wish i could pursue what makes me happy and not let down my parents, or at very least, not be affected by letting them down. sigh...

haha. reid just showed up with a box of liliha cream puffs. i'm glad a knight showed up in shining armor. i need to be blinded and not think about life for a bit.

i love the unexpected aspects of life.

after a lengthy phone call with someone who i've recently reconnected with, i'm feeling positive about life once again. she reminded me that i am not alone in life, that there are others who deal with similar issues. sometimes just knowing that someone else is going through something similar is enough to quiet my inner chaos. v.thankful.
---
i've hit rock bottom, and i'm finding that the broken bones aren't enough to bring down my soul. i've been falling for a really long time; the long way down is the worst part. i know what's coming up, hitting the bottom, knowing that excruciating pain is about to swallow me. the expectation of the worst is the actually the worst part. yes, being crushed causes this incomprehensible pain, but i'm finding that after the shock, i'm still here. maybe that's just it, maybe i'm still in shock and am experiencing a "phantom limb" of an emotional sort.  :S

now that i've reached a dead end, now that i'm stuck at the bottom of the well with no one around to help pull me out, i know i need to find my own way back up to the surface. i've released my outburst of anger, pain, disappointment, sadness, and now i'm just trying to figure out how to climb back up the cold, dank walls. i can't see anything to grab onto, hell, i can barely see the light at the top of the well, so i must feel around for something to dig my fingers into and pull myself up inches, centimeters, at a time. i know i'll grab onto things on the way up which will give way, causing me to slip back down slightly, but i'm sure i'll be back at the top in time.

it just sucks knowing that once i reach the top, once i can take a deep breath of crisp air again, i'll end up on the same plane which people only trip and stumble. those people who merely scrape their knees on the gravel of life, who can get right back up and climb off the ground and up into the air... i wonder if i will ever be one of them someday. i also wonder if i'll ever stop falling down into the rabbit hole. you'd think i would have learned by now to avoid slipping into them... guess i still need more time.
---
i love remembering the little things in life that make me happy. some people may think of my little joys as shallow or superficial, which is fine since everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but i'm also entitled to not have your opinions forced on me . if it makes me happy, let me be. something as small as finding a bra that fits and is labeled a cup size bigger, thinking about how new york's winter weather does wonders for my hair, rubbing my dog's back and seeing his leg "scratch", waking up to my niece plunking around on my keyboard.

damn, it's almost 2am. i really need to adjust my sleep schedule. need to be up in a few hours... today brings new beginnings. and happy birthday, yulree )

i'm feeling reaaaally lost and alone right now...
time to find my emotional restart button. sometimes i wish i could just pull the plug though.

as some of you know, i've been studying to take the LSAT in february. eeeeeeeeek!! i can't believe it's coming up so soon! time to get that test anxiety under control... argh. i really need to do well to offset my transcript (which isn't bad, per se; i just took a bunch of nonsense courses,) and i feel like if i don't do amazing, i will only have a chance at getting into UH (hawaii). going to UH wouldn't be a bad thing since it's a good school, but i feel like it might limit where i can practice in the future. perks of being at UH include lower tuition fees, living at home, being able to enjoy my beautiful home island on the weekends, having friends around (if they haven't left yet, heh)... all healthy things. yet my hunger to study in DC or NY can't be satisfied... argh.

for those of you who are wondering, i'm aiming for Georgetown. ideally i'd like to score in the 99th percentile for the LSAT to overshadow my super-awesome transcript (:S)and get into Boalt, but that's a bit unrealistic well, so is Georgetown, but they're slightly less selective than Boalt. yarr!! i also want to study environmental law, but everyone tells me they change their minds once they're in law school. another interest of mine is international and comparative law. i'm applying for fall 2009 entry, so i've got some time to prepare, especially since...

i'm unemployed!! stress stress stress. the stress has caused some poor spending activity over the past couple months which kind of worsens the situation of having no job. i'm not sure what i'm going to do after the test... currently i'm applying for jobs here in the US, but if i can't find anything i'll probably move back to China and study mandarin because it's something i really want to do. i hesitate to return to Shanghai though, as i'll be broke and have no support system we'll see, though... maybe something amazing will happen. *fingers crossed*

while writing a comment to yulree, i remembered that i did make a resolution for 2007 - to not eat pizza! i stuck to it and what a difference it made for my body and mind. pizza is one of my indulgences; i could eat pizza everyday - and for a while in 2006, i used to eat entire pizzas by myself... ergh -... but i'd probably keel over real early i only ate pizza 5 times this past year and never more than a small slice each time. well, i did eat a bigger portion than usual in new york but all the walking helped me out. so here's to keeping new year's resolutions *cheers*

last night we started off tiff's birthday weekend with happy hour at Mai Tai's, and tonight we're going to dine at Macaroni Grill. i haven't been there since the time i went with josh two years ago, haha. i can't believe it's been open for more than two years in hawaii, yet i still think of it as a 'new' place here... that's how long i haven't been home

it's 4:04am, i'm still awake... why not. i believe the last time i did this was 2005-06 new year... here goes
---

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
visited India, went to Macau, adopted more pet cats, became single for more than a month, experienced tuina, went off the pill, felt alive again

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't remember if i made any 2007 resolutions, but i will make 'em for 2008

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 
(same answer) not anyone close, but a lot of hs classmates had babies this past year

4. Did anyone close to you die? 
not this past year, but i'm hoping for the best for my uncle...

5. What countries did you visit?
China, India, Hong Kong, Macau (do those count? hehe), USA. oh, Germany but that was 2006.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
more personal strength. i seem to be on a roll here; let's hope it keeps up.

7. What date(s) from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
hmm... just some that i can think of now
Chinese new year in Mumbai and Delhi - introduction to a completely new culture
meeting jesse at City Diner - finally meeting someone intriguing in SH
the night i got beat up by the crazy lady on the bus in China and spent 3+ hours at the police station with adey and his uncle's friend - self explanatory
when i found out about dani - another friend lost
getting my hair permed at ID Hair and rushing to dinner in pudong - big change for me
the night i found out about my dad's aneurysm - self explanatory
the lunch after at kaka'ako kitchen - hadn't felt that way in a long time
Shanghai Oriental Land with sus, adey, and simone - good ole plain fun in the sun
the day we found lukie on the street - adopting my baby
june weekend in Hong Kong - meeting ming, going to Macau for the first time, enjoying life there
my birthday weekend - the ups and downs, but more ups than downs
chilling with aaron - made me wish i had a little brother
hanging out with evan - totally got me homesick for my friends
weekend in Hangzhou - a breather from the chaos of SH
when adey took care of me - i'll always be grateful
my first couple massages from xiao wang - OUCH
HK w/my mom - transitional period
the good times i've had in the past few months w/my friends in HI, LA, and NY - all will be etched in my memory <3

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
learning to stand on my own two feet, learning to become less open and cherish privacy

9. What was your biggest failure? 
hmm... will need to think about that. too many from which to choose

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 
had a bad cold/bronchitis during the last 3 weeks of december, got sick after india

11. What was the best thing you bought?
hehe. adey knows.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
(from the 05-06 entry)
adriel's for being the most patient with unbearable ol' me
and everyone who was there for me when i needed your support (y'all know who you are)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
certain males...

14. Where did most of your money go? 
to rent, travel expenses, and unnecessary but cherished luxuries

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
spending a week and a half with my LA friends and hanging out in NYC - i got really, really, really excited because i hadn't seen them in years!

16. What songs will always remind you of 2007?
gosh, these are all old songs because i barely listened to new music this past year...
"perfect" (acoustic) - alanis morisette
"because of you" - kelly clarkson
"run to you" - whitney houston
"songbird" - eva cassidy
"umbrella" - rihanna/mandy moore (haha, my only new song)
"bottle it up", "morningside", "between the lines" - sara bareilles
"low" - flo rida feat. t pain

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Wiser?  most definitely

Healthier?  hells yes, 13 lbs lighter than at the start of last year

Richer?  definitely not

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
keeping in touch with old friends, enjoying life

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being depressed

20. How did you spend Christmas? 
at home with the fam )

21. Did you fall in love in 2007? 
i did for a bit, yes

22. How many one-night stands?
wouldn't you like to know...

23. What was your favorite TV program?
i had to watch most of these on ripped dvds from china:
Heroes, Desperate Housewives, Top Gear, The L Word, The Wire, How I Met Your Mother, Project Runway

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i can't say i hate anyone now

25. What was the best book you read?
The Namesake. first book i've gotten lost in in years

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
ooh, easy - Movie Star (Even Better Than Movie World) - got so many new songs and artists from their cd collection )

27. What did you want and get?
to lose that extra baggage - both physical and emotional, to spend time with my old friends

28. What did you want and not get? 
things to work out with reid

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
seriously? so many to name... it's 4:42am, can i name these later?

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
ming arrived in Shanghai, we went to Barbarossa for a short bit with my coworkers, then headed to Volar to party with the SH pals and met a whole bunch of new people, then hung out with ming and cleaned up after adey's drunken puking mess while buzzed... turned 23.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not having to deal with my crazy ex-boss

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
more mature and polished - v-necks, sweaters, jeans, and heels

33. What kept you sane?
my supportive friends... i don't know what i would have done without you

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
um... i can't say i fancied any, but i did have fun tracking all the young female disappointments via thesuperficial.com this past year

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
the democratic candidate nomination... i don't like to talk about this anymore because i've realized nobody really cares about why i support clinton, so why waste my breath in a pointless discussion-turned-argument?

36. Who did you miss?
missed everyone i hadn't seen in more than a year

37. Who was the best new person you met?
oh gosh... toughie. there were many; i can't choose just one!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
the only person you can really count on is yourself.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Young girl, don't hide, you'll never change if you just run away

Young girl, just hold tight, soon you're gonna see your brighter day

When there's no one else, look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way

If you'll learn to begin to trust the voice within"
- Christina Aguilera, "The Voice Within"

but here's some song lyrics that touched me... too bad it never played out in reality
"You could fall apart, it wouldn't take a lot
So fragile, your porcelain heart
You don't wanna be another casualty of love's war
You won't even start
I won't hurt you, I won't
Why don't you let me be the one to love you
Why don't you help me find a way to
Why don't you let me be the one to love you
You don't have to be afraid when it's right"
- Ingram Hill, "Why Don't You"
---
here's to a new year... i'm still completely at a loss about what i'm going to do with my life after february 2nd, but i know things will work out eventually. i predict this year will be extremely tough on my family and my emotions, but i feel better equipped and prepared to handle it all. bring it on, 2008.

so i know this is probably not the best time to be making this resolution, but i'm going to try anyway! i'd love to start off the new year at 90, and i've got a few more days and a few more lbs to go. so what if all i'm shedding is water weight or whatnot; it'd be great if i could get there and exercise to maintain that. hahah i said the "e word" another resolution for 'er ling ling ba nian' 2008- exercise more!! you know, i hear all this hype about endorphins and the great rush you get after exercise, but i've never felt good after physical exertion - only hurt, tired, sweaty, and in pain. any tips?

well... nighty for now! gotta get up early to work in a step workout before breakfast w/the boys

loving her life,
cat

i haven't been able to fall asleep for the past week or so... argh!! this is ridiculously frustrating. i'm really hoping the lack of sleep won't hit me during my travel dates... erk. that wouldn't be too good

i received an email with a recipe for "Schezuan Noodles" and was reminded of how much poor Chinese romanization bugs me. Schezuan, Szechuan, Sichwan, Szechwan, Szuch'uan - Sichuan!! blech! they're all phonetically skewed too, even the proper "Sichuan"... sigh. i don't appreciate the name confusion, and i can't appreciate the Sichuan mala peppercorns. so i'm hoping to give Sichuan one last shot by visiting it one day - i'd love to visit Jiuzhaigou, but first i need to make me some money!!

love,
one tired broke ass bum kitty

p.s. if anyone has a surefire method for falling asleep, PLEASE HELP ME BY LEAVING A COMMENT. substance-less suggestions preferred. though i'm not super tired in the hours i'm awake, i know this major lack of sleep can't be healthy :S

adeylish had gotten me a lifetime xanga membership thing while we were in Shanghai and couldn't easily access Xanga. i'm not exactly sure why he did it... and i remember he had his reasons, but i forgot them sorry... hehe.

anyway, i feel like i should use this more often not only because he paid for it, but also because i feel i need to find my old voice again. however blogging isn't the same as it was before. i'm not sure if anyone reading this used to read my entries before they were photo filled, but i used to write some heavy stuff in here especially during freshman and sophomore years. for various reasons i've become less open about what i write online over the past couple years. the ever-expressive, artsy cat eventually faded away after being beaten into hiding. while i do miss speaking my mind and letting my thoughts flow freely and openly, i've come to understand the significance and, dare i say, importance of privacy. i've always been so passionate and emotional that i never really understood why people kept things to themselves, and now i see why. of course there are loads of reasons why privacy can be seen as a good thing, yet i still root for the "truth team."

i still laugh when i remember that the person who made me appreciate my personal privacy bought me a lifetime membership to one of my old creative outlets. cheers.

i will admit that it's still hard to keep things to myself... i have a difficult time keeping things inside, i've never been skilled at that when i can't talk to someone about something that's bothering me, i feel like i'm going to explode. so thank you to those of you who have listened to my random spurts of complaints-turned-self-realizations. i used to write in my xanga blog because i thought nobody wanted to hear me whine or cry or whatever i had to say, and the blog offers a 'writers insurance' - read at your own risk. sometimes i still feel bad for possibly burdening those who listen to me talk/chat, but i'm learning to be more grateful than guilty.

i do miss creating music, making music, making art, using words, cameras, colors, charcoal, pencils, sheets of blank and staff paper, guitar, keyboard, and my own voice. dabbling in my art mediocrity helped me feel alive... i wonder if i'll ever rise from this coma. here's to hope~