my head feels like its about to burst - physically and mentally.
the sinus pressure isn't helping, and neither is the feeling of not belonging anywhere right now.

the past month and a bit have been extremely wearing on my entire well being. i've been bouncing between two places to sleep and shower, and i've never felt comfortable in either of these places for numerous reasons. though i'm used to moving from place to place every year or so, its different when i don't know where i'm going to end up at night on a daily basis. i dread the nights when the most appealing overnight option is my car. thankfully i haven't spent an entire darkness in my car, but its gotten pretty close. lately i've been choosing the "lesser of the two evils" to decide where to rest my body, and fighting illness hasn't made the process any easier.

i wonder what future thoughts i'll have when i reflect upon february/march 2009. will i laugh, sob, become wound up inside, sigh, or feel relief that its over? its been a trying month, that's for sure. i've emerged with the realization that i'm hardier than i thought.

on a side note, as independent as i think myself to be, i still have a tough time dealing with being an afterthought. as of late i've found myself being shelved and used only when there was nothing better to do. someone recently asked me how it felt to have several guys vying for my attention. i laughed at his absurdity. nobody is competing for me. one confuses his desperation with wanting 'cat time' and pushes me away when i open up somewhat, another likes to have me around whenever he has time, and the last is thankful when we do spend time together. none of these guys make any effort whatsoever for my so called attention. to clarify, that doesn't mean i want them to make effort; i would prefer if they made no effort at all than half assed effort that feeds tiny thoughts into my head. hey, realization -- last year around this time i was dealing with a similar "he's just not that into you" person. is this going to be a yearly thing? heaven forbid, i don't know if i have the tenacity to endure this annually. i have to think long and hard to remember what it felt like when someone was really into me, gosh, that was years ago. spring 2005? anyway. life would probably be a lot easier and muck-free without unsure, insecure males in my life.

in other news, i'm moving back in with the 'rents. while i'm not looking forward to the uneasiness that comes with living at home, i fool myself into believing there is a positive note to this - saving money. obviously this doesn't matter to me, and i'd gladly shell out $900 monthly to have my own space, but its probably the best option at the moment. last year when i lived at home pre-exbf-living-in, i willingly worked nights just so i wouldn't have to stay at home. on my nights off, i'd hole up in some cafe until they closed and i was forced to return home. not looking forward to another year of this. hopefully i'll be out of here before then.

as much as i want to leave this island right away, i am held back by obligations to which i've committed. UGH. no wonder i have a tough time with commitment its tough not being able to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it. all i can do now is stick it through and arm myself with the necessary knowledge and credentials to make my next move a stellar one. mental and emotional sacrifice now for a hopefully greater gain later. what? no more immediately rewarding lifestyle of move wherever and however i want? woe is me </sarcasm>

can i do this? yes i can. but a little outside support would be nice.

*deeeep breath*

...looking forward to some clarity in maui and manhattan...

monday morning: swollen throat glands
monday evening: scratchy throat
tuesday morning: nasal congestion, burning throat
tuesday afternoon: scratchy throat and sounding like a frog or a lifelong smoker

sigh. third time i'm sick since 2009 began. i've noticed a pattern; i tend to get sick before something important, for example, a cold and strep before Manon opened, and this friday is the studio audition. last year i got bronchitis right before my first voice lesson, and i also caught it again right before the first studio meeting.

this realization stirred up thoughts about the prominent role reciprocal causation plays in my life. my thoughts, actions, and environment are in a constant state of war.
my immune system seems to be on a constant losing streak to mental stress and work environments. this is just one instance of how everything is an internal struggle.

after receiving an email from an old friend last night (you're probably reading this, aren't you?), i realized a trend in the way i affect guys. apparently guys grow to feel very comfortable around me, and this comfort always leads to dormancy and negligence. of course experience urged me to adjust my guard and toughen my exterior, and i am less affected by the effects of comfort in my relationships, but i still feel unsettled when the people i care about stop showing me they care. i'm close to completely getting rid of the most extreme case i've experienced, yet another mild case began recently, and i find myself wondering what i need to change to stop this pattern in my life. a different one has also recently started up, and i'm enjoying where it's at right now yet wondering if really i'm enjoying it because i don't want it to head down that path of comfort destruction.

this entry is all over the place; i can't really get all the thoughts in my head into one line of thought, but when i do it'll be less painful, i promise.
a few rants before i head out:
- i am not at anyone's beck and call and am not an accessory
- people need to learn that their actions have consequences
- hawaii should not be this cold in march
- hawaii is definitely not for me
- why isn't it socially accepted to decide to end your own life?

...please don't read that last rant incorrectly. while i'm struggling with life at the moment, i do enjoy being alive right now. i just wonder why its looked down upon to decide to end your life. is it because suicide is like a slap in God's face -- taking creation and destruction into human hands? similar to murder and such... hm... yeah, talk about random thoughts. i'm heading out now to drop way too much money on a new bag because the huge one i have at the moment just can't contain the chaos that my life has become. if you've never seen a woman's purse look like its about to vomit, come take a look at mine.

last thought: life is a lot easier to deal with when i can look forward to rewards. one in march and one in april. how did i get so lucky? i bet the answer to march is reading this now )

funny how a few hours and an argument can fuel my tired spirit into a positive direction.

earlier tonight i was heading down into a low point once again, surprise surprise. those familiar futile feelings began to rear their ugly heads, and i began to shrink into a place i hate. as i tend to do when i'm feeling down, i set foot in the kitchen and did something i love doing - made pesto. though the basil was two weeks old (yes, almost wilting) and the pignoli were probably at the end of their shelf life, i threw everything i needed into the food processor and pulsed everything into one messy yet tasty paste.

there was something satisfying about quickly mincing the garlic and seperating everything into neat little piles then throwing it all into a plastic cup and slaughtering it into a mess. though all the ingredients were spun around and sliced and diced, the end result completed a delicious pesto shrimp mini fusilli dish. ignore my blabber, it's almost 1am, and i don't feel like going back to edit what i'm writing.

as i wrote the previous entry, i felt like i was sitting at the cutting board with knife in hand staring at all the neatly seperated piles of stuff. i felt like i didn't really know what to do next in life, i didn't know what the next step was after having everything prepared. i could recite my extremely packed schedule down to the hour, but i couldn't figure out what the point was to it all - the two jobs, the voice lessons, the opera studio audition, the drama i'm trying to end with j.

after dinner and an unpleasant exchanging of words both in person and over the wireless phone network, i went from contemplating the point of life to throwing it all into my life food processor and preparing myself for whatever the end result is. i realize i spent too much time worrying about things that weren't as important as i made them to be in my head. though i wish i didn't reach this clarity through heated argument, i'm glad to be where i'm at now.

mind you i'm writing this down as proof that i once reached this point of confidence because i am sure it will fade sometime.
     right now i am no longer worried about the opera studio audition. i love singing, and i don't need confirmation from an outside party like i thought i did. in a strange way, singing for people at the restaurant and bringing smiles to their faces and tears to their eyes is more confirmation for me than being accepted into a group. yes, the studio will provide great (and did i mention free?) training for my amateur voice, but now that i've started voice lessons -- yes, you read that right -- i feel like i'm on the right track, whatever track that is... still figuring it out. at least i feel its the right track.
     right now i am no longer tempted to pack up my necessities and book a one way ticket out of honolulu to run away from my relationship problems. i am determined to deal with it here, and i'm revved up to find my own place at whatever reasonable cost.to my wallet and sanity. i need to be somewhere where i feel comfortable and in control. though i know i can easily find that in a new city, i'm going to face the challenge and stick it out here until probably next january, where i'll hopefully be in a better place both in my job and finances to actually pick up and move. i've been buried under the "tying it all up" stress for the past month or so, but i'm finally beginning to see the light and am eager to dig up and out to breathe in the fresh air.
     right now i am prepared to spend more time on myself and less on making others happy. i've always given over 100% of my time, effort, energy and sometimes money to please those around me, both in my work and personal life, and i've never gotten in return the one thing i've wanted - respect. instead of tirelessly giving so much to others, i plan to spend more time on myself and what i want in life. many times i think about ending my life because i'm satisfied with where i've been and what i've did, and i'm tired of going through the days with little to no joy. now i see it differently - i might as well enjoy the time i have while i'm here. maybe this means cutting back on work or even *gasp* quitting mg and risking the lack of health insurance, or maybe not. whatever the plan is, i'm going to find a way.

where there's a will, there's a way, and i will come out on top.

i'm struggling to keep all this self-induced stress from making me crumble.
why is it so hard for me to lead a "normal, stress-free" life? do i bring all this on myself, or has all this crap been planned out?
everyone used to tell me that i'm a strong person, but most of you know how strong i'm not.
i'm desperately finding "reasons" to live and frantically grabbing onto any excuse to put myself through one more day of this.
everyday has one, maybe two if i'm lucky, hours i enjoy, but these are not enough to keep me going.
the entire world could believe in me, but it wouldn't matter since i struggle with believing in myself.
i'm wearing thin.

i absolutely hate everything going on in my life right now.
i wish something would happen that would make it all disappear at this very moment. yes, at 2:11am.
i'm struggling with finding any good in my days.
someone, something, please help me.
the crap keeps piling over me, and i'm losing the strength to dig myself out of it.
i'm so weak right now, succumbing to the pressures seems very appealing.
the part i hate most about life is realizing how pointless it all is.
pointless.

i'm feeling so much better today.

yesterday the overwhelming support of the alumni association left us beading Easter bracelets for the homeless kids. after the gig was over, peanut and i went to lunch with the slagels & co. at the contemporary museum cafe. i quite like the place - light food, open grassy lawn, interesting patrons.

while i zoned out through lunch trying to cling onto everyone's words, i began to feel better about the way things are going. though i haven't been talking much, listening to what everyone else has to say has helped me think about the direction i want to take in 2009. so very thankful.

of course i need to rethink this and ask myself if this is how i want to spend the next 12 months. last night someone asked me the familiar infamous question -- "what are you doing at macaroni grill with a USC degree?" well, folks, i'm at macaroni grill until i can figure out a better way to hold onto the health insurance that pays the thousands of dollars printed on my health related bills. however the job is wearing me down; i'm not sure how much longer i can keep listening to ridiculous complaints. no, you haven't been waiting for an hour and a half - you've been here for 45 minutes (and on your own will too.) no, there is nothing you can say that will bump you up to the top of the wait list, not even a flash of a crumpled green bill. no, i will not sing happy birthday in italian for you while i'm swamped trying to whip my lazy girls to help me out.

oops, a little off topic. anyway, i'm thinking i might try to follow the artsy path this year. i think i can live off measly tips for another year. going back to school is an option, but i'm not sure i'm ready for that commitment yet. there's still so much i want to do in life, and who knows when my last day will decide to pop up.

anyway, i need to get ready for sunday brunch - mimosas, here i come!
and thanks for reading. that means you, danny.

someone please take me out of this misery

... for those of you who feel or have felt similarly helpless, unhappy, or stagnant,

how do you get through the days?

i'm finding myself shrinking away from reality and responsibility, but only in my mind. i can't explain it that well at 8:20am.

i need to get ready for my 14 hour day with 30 minutes for "lunch" and 30 minutes to drive from one job to the other.

guess all i can do is take many deep breaths, finish up my chai black and green tea, paste the smile on my face again and head out.

here's to 2009~

...and i feel stuck.

feeling helpless again... haven't felt this way in a while.
although "on paper" i should feel proud with my life, i'm not fully satisfied. being in hawaii isn't for me. i need to be somewhere more dynamic, vibrant, somewhere where the city pulses because of the people in it.
i'm tired of living with people who lack opinions and deeper thought. as friendly and loving as they are, i need more substance to sustain myself.

an update on my life for the curious folk:
during the day i work with children with autism doing therapy. at night i'm still hostessing at mac grill. i say i work there for the health insurance (which is true, i don't know what i would have done without it this past year), but i also love working with (most of) the people there.
rehearsals for the opera will start up again in january, and Manon Lescaut will show on jan 30, feb 1, and feb 3.
i plan to begin voice lessons as soon as i find the time and money.
in the very few hours of free time i have, i run errands and occasionally bury my nose in popular books to have some connection with the outside world.
life has been extremely busy with two jobs and a hobby that sometimes feels like a job, but i love it. keeping busy helps the days pass quicker.

i'm stuck, i feel i can't make any decisions because i'm buried in too deep, but i wonder if that's true or not. i wonder if i can pick myself up and do what i am known for doing - moving somewhere to accomplish my new goal in life. i'm sure i could, but its hard when you've found someone so in love with you. even though i'm not completely happy, i wonder if i'll ever find anyone as doting as him. hm.

enough of the sad holiday rambling. happy holidays, all.

sigh... this is worse than those jam-packed college years.

i'm so busy between two jobs (one which i've had to cut hours for the next couple weeks), opera rehearsals, and moving into a new place, i can't find time to breathe.

*deep breath*

here goes nothing...